new old mail book notes
profile irish home
|
|
2023-08-13
| I tend to get depressed Sunday nights right when the day is winding down. I ask myself: Is next week going to be the same as the last? Are things not going to get better for me on the front I'm struggling with and need resolution on? Week after week it's the same repeat with the ocassional difference. We've been helping my brother move his stuff to his apartment- which is beautiful by the way. We helped him unpack everything he ordered off of Amazon because he's starting his life from zero. It's been exhausting work but it's been nice to see where he'll be living. It's a fantastic place with many amenities and rooms to work in with kitchens and t.v.'s. And that's just base stuff. There's lots of attractive features and his rent is no more expensive than any other apartment out there anywhere in the U.S. with less to offer. I think he did well. I just kept thinking to myself if my husband and I would ever be able to get into a place like this. It's very hard for me to imagine anything good happening to me. Things just never come easy. It's a constant struggle even for the most basic thing and I keep wondering if the universe hates me. Maybe not, but it feels like it. I don't see a world where I'll be happily employed and like what I do. right now, I don't care if I sound pessimistic- I think I have a right to complain even a little. It sucks feeling lost and not knowing how to mentally get yourself out of that hole and feel good again. My husband and I have begun the visa process to get him here. We've been gathering documents and filling out the Petition for an Alien Relative online and I've already answered most of the questions, uploaded our marriage cert and now we each have to upload a 2x2 into the system, and after that I have to upload pictures to prove the legitimacy of our marriage. None of that worries me- I think that's one of the easiest parts of the whole process because if your marriage/relationship is legit, there's really nothing to worry about. What worries me is all the incoming USCIS fees and along with this form I'm filing out, I have to send $535 dollars. That's a big chunk of money I don't have the luxury of spending and my husband pretty much lives paycheck to paycheck and doesn't have much money to spare each month, so I haven't been able to rely on him for much help. He would need to take out a small loan for that amount to be able to pay that $535 and he's already got a loan from when we got married that he's paying. That first fee is what concerns me the most and I don't know what to do. Roughly, the fees for the whole process is about $1200. For now, my biggest concern is the $535. I had to spend money for the dress I'm wearing for my brother's wedding, I had a car payment due and i paid my dad $2,477 just for the round trip flight alone to Uruguay where the only thing I did was use his AA flight credit card and the only perk I got was picking my seat for one trip, them slummed it when I flew back alone because my brother booked through Expedia and not directly with American Airlines where you could actually pick your seat and meals. I've been keeping my worries to myself, because if I shared them with my mother, all I'd get is lectures and "I told you so's.." and I've been hoping to solve my problems on my own before it even came to having to tell her that I've run out of money but I'm still stuck, still crying in the middle of the night, still praying...and I don't even know to what end because all I've experienced is a silent God raining down blessings on my younger brother and other people and ignoring me for the past two years. It took me weeks to get into this Facebook group that posts leads on jobs in the type of work I was in because the admin apparently had an automatic denial thing set up so I had to message her personally to let her know I wanted in to the group. In short, it didn't help at all. When I commented on someone's post about the type of job I was doing and how it's been hard finding something else that paid decent, everyone jumped at me and said my job title and what I did was not the same thing they did even though my literal job title is exactly that and i even posted a picture of the trophy award I received for being the best. they didn't give a damn. I was annoyed by that, getting nowhere and was already contemplating leaving the group because it was doing nothing for me anyway. So, I left the group with zero regrets and thought to myself that whatever my next stop was, it was most likely NOT going to be in my previous field of work and that I needed to move on- and it's hard to do that when you have attachment issues. When it comes to things you love, you want to hold on to them and when they're gone, it's hard to move on from them because genuine good things don't come often for me, so I want to keep them. Anyway, I'm depressed but functioning. I hide it well, but I deal with it alone. I don't tell my husband because I don't want to worry him. I'm the one that tells him we're going to be okay and that everything will work out but I really don't know how true that is right now. Miracles, Good thigs… whatever you want to call it, don't happen to people like me. They are reserved for others in abundance while I only need one. Life's a bitch, ain't it?
|
| We can't both break down. - 2023-10-06 The one where I avoided getting scammed. - 2023-09-10 any way you look at it, I'm losing. - 2023-08-29 Not so deep down. - 2023-08-21 |