That person in your life.
Tomorrow is my last day off. God, it all goes by so quickly. After that, i only have a month left to go and honestly it feels good to have something so significant to look forward to. Something big to us -my boyfriend and i at least- and the day will be here before you know it. "what will you wear?", my mom asks. i hadn't given it much thought. When he was here, i hardly wore any make-up around him and my hair was tied back a lot of the time. We skyped and my face was bare most of the time. I never felt like i had to pretend to be something i wasn't with him and whenever i did put on make-up, i did it for me, for my own satisfaction or i was simply in the mood to. I have to be in the mood, otherwise i don't bother. There is no pretending with us and that is one of the aspects i love about us together.
I have a few special clothing items in mind for our dates but for the times that we will be walking on foot, i have to make sure to pack my Nike walking shoes for the occasion. He warned me about that and i try not to think of the fact that i haven't been to the gym since i started working my office job.
Now that it's getting closer to the time, he gets quite pensive. He asked:
" Can i ask you a question?"
- "Yes"
(Every time he starts off like that, i always know it's going to be something he's thought of that needs a serious answer from me)

"Even with all the distance and the things we've lived and will live through together, am i THAT person in your life?"

-"The only one and the truest. You know this. You are the most important thing i've ever fought for. I don't regret anything i've done and i'd do it one thousand times over again"

He seemed very satisfied with that response, although i think for him, it's a last minute reassurance of something he's always known. I had never confided in my family about any of the other guys i liked of even loved in my past because none of those people ever gave me the safety or reassurance that i needed to let what i felt out in the open. i felt like i was choice B or C but never a priority. I was always a risk factor and i wasn't about to expose myself for people who never intended to take me seriously and if that was the case for them, i take it now as something that might have been meant to happen that way. I think in a sense, healing from past experiences with men i loved that meant a great deal to me emotionally and took up a great deal of space in my heart was and is still not easy even at the age i am now. People don't know how hard it is to recover and heal and most importantly, trust someone else afterwards. I am not saying i'm scarred, no. I am healed, cautious and have wisdom because of it. Having trust in a long distance relationship isn't easy but everything my boyfriend and i have gone through the last four years of our relationship together has really taught me what love is all about and what it means to stick it our in the horrible times.
We have been through the most horrible times there is and as i stated before, i didn't know if we would make it but thankfully... and thanks to utter perseverance and determination not to let the opinions of others stop us, we are on the cusp the next phase in our lives together and getting there in one piece trying not to lose our cool.

This is the easy part. The traveling is not going to be the hardest. We still have yet to wait and plan and get frustrated. We still have to deal with an impending engagement that i don't know when it will come to be and if that all falls through without a hitch, a most probable legal/court overseas wedding, followed by another separation while immigration deals with our case and me having to deal with finding a cozy place to live, furniture, money and all the mess that comes with going out on your own as a married couple. Stuff that i am not used to dealing with first hand because it's culturally appropriate to live at home and then go off only after you are married. It's going to be stuff that i wish i'd have him here to go through and experience with me but that will not be the case with us. He is also going to be dealing with everything he has to leave behind too. The pace here is a lot calmer. He won't have to fight for justice and fair treatment the way he does now and he will have more peace here with me. He will have his own cultural hurdles to jump through but at least he will have peace knowing he will be better off and we will finally be together.

I want to deal with things one day at a time, one hurdle at a time. I hate worrying about things and people i can't control. I hate the way people act sometimes, i do and i can't change them so i won't try to and up to a certain point i can't control even things that directly affect me. it's draining and i want to enjoy as much of this experience as possible, grow even further and prove to him and i -us together- that we can do this. This isn't a fairy tale. I know better than this.
We both have to get over some serious stuff we carry on our backs if we want to jump into this full force. I don't want our children to grow up with the residue of the things we weren't able to rid ourselves from. Whatever family we create will be an entirely different fusion only blended by the positive things that come from his South American- Italian-Portuguese family and my Mexican-Spanish-Texan one.
I want us to be the exception, not a continuation of mistakes and abuse. I want all the time i've waited not to have been in vain and i think we can do it if we both just make the decision to make it so. He wants it and i want it so i really think we can do it.

We both entered into this relationship almost 6 years ago carrying around a lof of hurt from our families -whether intentionally inflicted by them or not- and relationships or people we were so hellbent on hanging on to that we didn't know how what good felt like anymore and again, everything we have been through together up to this point should only be a precursor to positivism and i intend to do everything in my power to make sure it goes that way. There will be a lot of bumps, i know but we have made it this far with everything stacked against us, so what else is left but to keep moving forward?

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posted on 2019-01-29 @ 7:44 p.m.