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2023-08-29
| Today is my last peaceful, relaxing night before having to pack for a week for my brother's wedding. My mom's kind of a pain leading up to going anywhere when we all travel together. She packs like she's going away for a month, then we have to lighten the load if she goes over 50lbs. I figured out that traveling alone is actually less stressful when I flew back home from being with my husband with a layover in Brazil where I didn't speak the language. In a way, I'm looking forward to the trip because it serves as a distraction from my mental woes. I know I'm still going to be depressed when I come back and I'm not looking forward to coming back with nothing to look forward to. I should be happy that my husband and I are working on our I-130 form for his immigration but with less and less money in the bank, I can't even get excited for that. To top it off, I keep getting messages every now and then from cousins who think they're being helpful by giving me links to jobs- the types I avoid like the plague because I'm through with CS jobs. I just can't do that. I've been in that position before and I don't want to go back there if I want to have good mental health. I need something enjoyable, different, fully remote. Job hunting is stressful. It's not fun. So whatever I do get, I intend to stick it out for the long haul because I don't intent to job hop. I'm looking for longevity and real purpose. CS roles will crush my spirit. This cousin means well, but shares everything with her mom and somehow along the way, she shares it with my mother because people can't mind their own damn business and then it gets back to me. It's a toxic cycle of gossip with no privacy, so I choose my words carefully when replying to people. I've never asked for help from anyone and it's odd because when you reach out on a general basis and do ask for help, suddenly no one is around but when you're minding your own life, not bothering anyone, suddenly everyone wants to be helpful. My struggle is something very personal, very private to me and I don't let many people in so giving others an explanation is just giving leg to inviting them in to have an opinion. So now I have to think about what to respond to this cousin without giving too much away as far as my intentions and my reasoning behind my job search journey. I don't want to have to do that, but if I don't respond to her message at all, she'd think it was odd. How do you keep yourself private but not rude. My husband would not give a crap and would tell me straight up to not give a crap. It's hard to do that in my family. My dress alteration is going to be $150 fucking dollars. That makes me sick to my stomach but my dress has to have alterations. My husband's visa has to be worked on. Any way you look at it, I'm losing. Losing money, hope, patience. When I was in a good space financially, I remember giving friends and loved ones money for groceries, dentist, lawyer's fees, birthday gifts. When my birthday came, no one cared or responded to my post about a birthday treat. People don't give a fuck but are quick to message you without guilt to ask for money and no one is equal in reciprocity. You don't expect people will be generous with you in return someday... but you hope they will just because you never know what position you or anyone will be in the future and it's nice to help each other out. I hope someday, I'll be able to recover from this tremendous hole I'm in and that my husband and I will be doing well for ourselves that I won't need to hope strangers or friends will be kind to me. I'll remember who was there for me when I needed it the most and who wasn't. I hope to have better news soon.
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| Panic at the Texas State Fair. - 2023-10-18 waiting for the new. - 2023-10-13 We can't both break down. - 2023-10-06 The one where I avoided getting scammed. - 2023-09-10 |