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2023-08-21
| I've been so numb mentally that it slipped my mind that my birthday is coming up this Saturday. I really hadn't thought of it at all until I realized August is almost over. I always think about the fact that I was supposed to be a November baby but became a premie instead. I wonder if somehow my life would be different If I had been born then- but Not in terms of health. Aside from all the testing they did on me, I was born perfectly healthy. I mean in terms of shifts, of time if that makes any sense. Like, if you make one slight choice, it could sway your life in a different way. Would I be luckier? Smarter? Braver? I sometimes think about the events that led to me meeting my husband. I made an online account on a website the guy I thought I was in love with had even though I didn't really look at his profile because in the end, I ended up liking the site so much, I made friends that I still keep in touch with till this day. My husband found my profile one random day, realized we had music tastes in common and left me a comment. From there, we added each other on Facebook, then Skype, then into a long distance relationship... and now marriage. That was a hand I never thought life would deal me. That choice I made -insignificant at the time- turned out to be the best thing I ever did and now I'm married because of it. And well, I wonder if I'll make other choices that will lead me to where I'm supposed to be because if I hold any compass within me, it's broken in some areas. Your mind has to be pretty fucked up if you don't have the mental space to remember your own birthday. Honestly, all I want for my birthday is answers that will lead me to financial stability. That's all I want. I don't want to wake up depressed anymore. I don't want to close my eyes at night wondering if tomorrow I'll be the same failure. I keep hoping that someone I'll run into, or message or somewhere I comment will lead me to the right place, but at the end of the day I always feel guilty because what if I'm pushing too hard? Is it wrong to want to be okay when I have time running behind me and mauling me? Am I asking God for too much by wanting to be employed somewhere I enjoy and make a living wage? Why do I feel so guilty for wanting something everyone else has? There's my problem, I know. Not so deep down I feel like I can't be happy because maybe I don't deserve to... and then I talk myself out of it and say Why not? Why can't I? My head is a mess and I am just a shell of a person. A disappointment to myself.
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| waiting for the new. - 2023-10-13 We can't both break down. - 2023-10-06 The one where I avoided getting scammed. - 2023-09-10 any way you look at it, I'm losing. - 2023-08-29 |