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Dear Diary...
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2023-07-11
| I can't believe and I am sitting back in my own bed again and avoiding going outside because it's so hot and suffocating outside. I miss the way the cold air felt so crisp on my skin and that I could wear long sleeves again. I was right about not being nervous as it turns out. The dress fit and I was able to get married with zero complications. My parents bought me a rose bouquet from a street florist that was in the area where my parents were staying at the AirBnB. It was a last minute decision that I did not fight my mother on because this was such a special time in my life that nothing could make me annoyed. We waited at the courthouse longer than the actual ceremony took place. The man who married us we swore... had to be out there eating a sandwich because we showed up extra early along with what seemed 100 guests even though it could only be 24 including us... but because everyone was so much larger than life, it felt like 100. We were just ready- and I think I felt that during the entire 15-20 ceremony. I was just so happy to be standing next to the guy I happened to meet by chance while I was healing from a broken heart. I couldn't have imagined that I'd be standing next to someone who was once a stranger thousands of miles away because we had a few bands we loved in common. As we walked out of the courthouse and onto the street, we both felt the heavy rain of rice come down on us and into every crevice of our bodies that happened to be exposed. Strangers on the street clapped and congratulated us as did many people who saw us walk by one of the busiest streets in Montevideo. They knew as we walked hand in hand that we'd just gotten married because Fabian was wearing a suit and I was in a white lace dress. We both had dinner with my parents at a restaurant where my mom and I had been to before on our first visit. We loved their paella so we had to have it again. Our waiter did most of the talking as he came and went to serve us. I was secretly glad of that because I didn't want dad to start talking too much about religion and Jesus and each cliche in the book about marriage... especially because he should be the least one to talk. He still disrespects my mother often enough to where it's a problem when he gets mad and commits financial abuse. One time I even had to scold him and tell him he needed to stop disrespecting me and that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore because I was a grown woman for one, and that I never did anything or said anything to warrant that kind of treatment- and that he had no moral ground to tell my fiancé to respect me as a woman/wife/partner if he as my own dad-my flesh and blood couldn't respect me. Our waiter funnily enough was the same man who served my mom and I the first time we came to Uruguay in 2015. After dinner, our taxi took Fabian and I to our AirBnB apartment and left with my parents to theirs. Once we got up there and checked out the whole apartment, we got undressed with zero weirdness or awkwardness. When I took off my dress, many pieces of rice flew from my cleavage and hair as well as his. We swept up as much as we could with the broom had a good laugh. We both changed into loose clothing while we talked but then he got close to me and I to him and he took my clothes off and didn't take his hands off my body for a moment. I was right about him being intense. He wasn't kidding but everything we did together that night and every night since then felt right and natural. We were both always committed from the start and everything translated into our intimacy. I got my period right after the wedding and the day I left the apartment on my flights back home, so I'm not pregnant. I say this because I decided not to take birth control. I didn't want my hormones to go out of wack and he was having such a tough time with the condoms that I didn't know if we'd get through the month and have a scare. I was tracking my fertility through an app my cousin recommended along with many "please be careful... I don't want to go home pregnant" and "I don't want to be pregnant with my husband thousands of miles away." So I am good on that front but that potential scare behind us means I am home now to worry about all the other shit. The shit that comes AFTER coming home. Dealing with the fact that I still have no job and that I have to file a spousal visa with a pretty big filing fee on top of other fees once USCIS has reviewed our form. It's... a lot and we're trying to figure it out, trying to stay calm. Other people seem to stumble onto things... things that seem to almost chase them. Things that burst into their lives so clearly. People like me have to suffer and cry for months before I qualify for some sort of breakthrough. I have to exhaustively hunt to make any sort of small progress. I consistently pray to a God I wholeheartedly believe in. I ask Him for help. That I ache for answers and clarity. That I want to do what's right. I pray and receive silence instead of clarity. It feels unfair that almost every aspect of my life is so hard to the point of exhaustion, that I need two or three days to recover and then I can't bring myself to try again so soon because I am so scared of being disappointed. I can't imagine a life (right now at this point in time) where I am consistently doing well in every aspect of life that is important to me. It's like... if I'm doing well in something, I am struggling with another thing. Nothing can ever be consistent for once and I'm wondering if that's life for people in general or it's just me that sucks. Then again, yes. it sucks being lost. And it sucks when you feel like you're being punished for feeling lost... like life isn't hard enough that you feel bad on the inside and outside it's just as bad. it's like, how can I be so happy in the first half of my entry, then go into self loathing on the second half? Yup. *shrug*
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Past Confessions:
| We can't both break down. - 2023-10-06 The one where I avoided getting scammed. - 2023-09-10 any way you look at it, I'm losing. - 2023-08-29 Not so deep down. - 2023-08-21 Depressed, but still functioning. - 2023-08-13 |