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Dear Diary...
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2022-07-24
| Emmy- my dog- sleeps with me on weekends. I can hear her breathing and shuffling in her sleep. She takes in deep breaths on occasion that I find endearing. Those little things that make up her schnauzer personality give me such joy. Her presence in my life has helped me cope with my personal troubles and even though I know there are people worse off, I still feel like having her in my life has helped me so much. Getting her was a good idea, after all. She's technically a Mother's Day gift for my mom so she doesn't belong to me but I love her as if she were. I felt it was important to get my mom a friend she could hold on to to make her happy. Pretty soon, my brother and I won't be living here anymore and I know she'll feel the blow of not having us around. My father has always been a serious man and I doubt he'll change his ways as he continues to push towards 60 so Emmy will bring my mom some comfort. I still haven't told him Uruguay has stopped asking for vaccine proof and therefore we are pushing for a wedding early next year. I've never been able to talk to him about things like this because his judgement has always been prevalent. His disdain for my relationship, his doubts, his want of perfection when he himself is less than perfect. I wouldn't wish him as a spouse for no woman -even my own mom- and I thank God every day that I am going to marry a man that has none of the qualities I despise in my own father. I honestly don't know when I will mention it to him and what kind of response I am going to get from him. He's never bothered to have a relationship with my fiancee even though he told me months ago he'd like to have one. I always dismiss his remarks, because they usually scatter to the wind. He's never been the kind of parent I could easily go to or talk to. He thinks the equivalence of a good father means putting a roof over our heads and food on the table and that's all anybody could really ask for. He's never said it in those words, but it's been proven to be true all of these years. I strive to be the kind of parent my kid doesn't have to be afraid of. Something F and I have discussed many times. We both come from families that made many mistakes and I know that we will also inevitably make them too BUT, I do not want fear to be present in our home. The fact that I am an adult and I still can't talk to my own father about my wedding is a sad thing.
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Past Confessions:
| You were always toxic... Nevertheless. - 2022-12-03 the one where I finally have a wedding date. - 2022-11-13 Coming to terms. - 2022-10-06 My favorite things right now. - 2022-08-06 small victories. - 2022-07-28 |