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It's getting to the point where going to church is making me feel worse, instead of better. It's not God's fault-- I want to be clear on that. I don't blame Him. It's just that things aren't better in the area I'm struggling in and it's been a long, long time now. I'm drained out, desperate for something good to surface. I'm out of prayers and you have to wonder if it's time to stop them.
If I'm the fool— if this is my fault, I'd like to know that too because I'm open to recognizing it. I'm not too proud to admit it if it helps me tunnel myself out in some way but even then, I can't find any answers within.
My husband is counting on me and I'm letting him down. I keep trying to convince myself that it will somehow get better at the last second- that I should hold on, but I'm tired and now I know how those people that never seem to quite fit into this world feel like.
The thought of going to church tomorrow fills me with dread because it's not helping. It’s something i need to get past- like i need a break from everything- even my own mind. I feel so sad because I know a new week will begin and nothing will change.
Tomorrow is the Luis Miguel concert, finally. It's something I've dreamed about being able to experience for years. He's one of my absolute favorite artists since I was a kid. My parents used to play his cassette tapes in the car on repeat during road trips. I should feel happy about this, but my situational depression is getting in the way of me fully enjoying this because I know once it's over, real life will still be there to remind me of what I don't have yet. It's been hard for me to have tunnel vision and to actually see myself exactly how I desire and deserve. I can't picture a miracle because it's been so long since I've felt like God and the Universe have been on my side. Happy things are too far in between that sometimes if feel like I'm being punished and that i deserve it.
You know that feeling that comes over you when you know something is meant for you and that it’s made for you to find and experience... I haven't felt that way in a long time and i’m afraid that i’ll never get to feel that way again.
How can I run to you? - 2023-11-05
Jesus loves you more than you will know - 2023-10-31
Feeling Worse in Church. - 2023-10-28
That early 2000's nostalgia - 2023-10-20