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I'm trying to find the words to communicate to my mother that I won't have the money for my car payment anymore. I still have about 6,000 left to pay it off, but I've run out of money. The payment is due on the 18th. My car registration is also due this month. I haven't paid my dad the 140 for my insurance and cell phone. He hasn't asked for it.
I'm broken down. I take responsibility for what I've been careless about, but my anxiety and fear of failure have been the contributing factors as to why I'm at this place now, financially. It's hard to get out of that mental space even if you really want to, so I sympathize with people who suffer from imposter syndrome or the ones who can't get out of bed because the sadness just takes over. I know I should just be truthful but with truth comes scolding and hurt feelings.
"I told you so"
"You are responsible"
"You knew"
All valid, I know. I'm not denying that I've been careless, but I also live in a world where I don't want to be miserable and right now, I am.

After church, we went out to eat at a restaurant. My brother mentioned something about money to my dad and told him the amount. It hadn't clicked fully because I was talking to my sister-in-law, then my dad said something like "No, it's not 240.." it's such and such amount. Then I remembered about a couple of weeks ago that my brother mentioned something about a baseball or basketball game- can't remember which one at the moment and how his father-in-law had always wanted to go to one. He made plans, asked my folks what they thought and they agreed but he never acknowledged me or asked me what I thought. He has a tendency to plan things that aren't cheap, makes the purchase and then expects everyone to fork over the cash without asking if it's something we can pay. In my case, I can't. Games are a luxury for me where I'm sitting. Let's be honest too: I don't give a damn about any sports game whatsoever and I'd never spend my money willingly on one.
I heard my mother whisper something about money, but I didn't focus on her words because I knew they had to do with my portion of the money. I tried to tune them out and make small talk with my sister-in-law.
I heard him whisper that I had money and I should pay for my ticket. He's never once asked me if I had money or if I was okay, just happily asks me for cash at the end of the month and hands me the car statement as if I had a money tree in my bedroom.
My eyes watered, I swallowed and tried to breathe. I'd never felt so alone as I did in that moment, without my husband's emotional support, without his hand, his guidance. I would have given anything to have his arm around me, his back-up. But I was nothing but the 5th wheel there with no timeline as to when my husband's I-130 would be approved. I felt so alone.
All I wanted to do was break down and sob and let out all the burden and worry I have been carrying since I got back from Uruguay. We went to a Snow cone place after lunch but I wanted nothing more than to just go home and sleep. forget. drift off into nothingness.
Everyone got a mango chamoyada except for me. I made up an excuse that I was too full from lunch that I simply didn't have room for anything else. I lied, but I was also not in the best spirits. One of the worst things you can experience when you're already so broken is hearing something about you from someone who thinks you can't hear them and then pretending like you didn't hear anything even though you did. Worse when it comes from your own parent. How can I go to him for help when he's bitching about a ticket to a game. It's not like I can sit out, because my sister-in-law's parents are coming and that wouldn't look good in public. I'd happily not go, I don't care. But my parents care about image and how others perceive them.

We came home eventually. I changed my clothes and grabbed a blanket and slept for three and a half hours, then I woke up to reality.

So, I was thinking maybe I should sell my car and get a cheaper one in cash, no debt. It feels like the most logical thing to do at this point because I don't expect my dad to take over the payments. If I had known back then what I know now, I would have kept my Honda. It was fully paid for, but I didn't know that I'd be getting laid off when I took dad's Hyundai. I feel sick to my stomach knowing I have to have this tough conversation with mom and eventually him too. I'm going to work my hardest to be the opposite of what he's been to my brother and I all our lives. Because I don't blame him at all for some things he says, he's right to be upset with me for the stuff that's my responsibility. It's the WAY he says things and the way he acts like I'm not even his daughter. He's careless with words and that's the part that hurts me to the pit of my stomach. Mom is pretty intelligent person. She's been suspecting that something's wrong and I'm going to have to be forthcoming with her this upcoming week. I can't keep pushing back these hard conversations.

I know at some point- I hope- that I will be in a better place and my husband will be here finally and I hope that we'll be able to be financially free and I won't ask my father for anything ever again. I don't want to owe him anything for the rest of my life. And when my husband and I get to a good place in our lives, I won't forget about the people who treated me like a burden. I won't forget it.

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