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2024-01-13
| It’s supposed to be very cold and in the teens tomorrow morning, and to top it off, it’s Sunday. Mom was seesawing on the idea of whether we should go or stay home from church. She asked me how i felt about going and i shrugged and said i was fine with it, and stopping myself from sounding ‘too scandalous’ if i’d said NO flat out. Lately i just don’t have the energy to argue- i have enough heavy emotions i’m still trying to process through without adding more. I just don’t think i’ve ever truly understood people’s “guilt” over not going for a reasonable reason. I doubt God would want any of us to feel guilt like this and i don’t think it’s a productive way to be a good Christian. Don’t we pretty much always say that WE are the church and that it doesn’t boil down to a building? I certainly know that’s not the way i want to establish a relationship with God, out of fear that He’ll judge me for not going on a Sunday because the weather is unbearable. I think people are still tied to notions that aren’t God-driven and they let guilt and fear run their decision making instead of running more on the grace and understanding we still need to practice at the end of the day because we’re human. This is why people run from having a relationship with Him- because they think they have to be perfect and most importantly, there’s a misconception that just because you love God and acknowledge Him, that you always have to be “ON” and engaged everyday when sometimes you’re just not. Sometimes i just want to turn off that button and feel my feelings and be upset and angry and depressed about things that i’m having issues with. And you know, even if you pray everyday for a breakthrough, sometimes months can go by where you’ll only have silence instead of answers. If God is allowed to be silent when i really need him to speak, i also need the space to take a few breaths and not be ON for God. I’m human and i hurt and sometimes, no matter how many times you show up on Sundays, you’ll still feel sad because that’s just life. This doesn’t mean God doesn’t love me. I know He does… and He might be putting me through something i’ll understand someday, but not today or tomorrow. It doesn’t thrill me to be outside in the bitter cold so i can be in a building for an hour and a half, leave and not feel any better than how i came in.
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| Because i don’t want to is a good reason. - 2024-02-26 Hopes, Mistakes and Former Friends. - 2024-02-02 God doesn’t take Attendance. - 2024-01-13 Finding my Stellar Again. - 2024-01-10 |