I felt that the company my friend E recommended was a good fit for me and i still hold to it that i would have learned a lot from being there but for some reason, it didn’t work out and i wasn’t going to push further than I already had when i e-mailed the hiring manager to ask for feedback. Turns out, they can't give you a detailed explanation of why they reject you-- which is why the majority of their e-mails are generic, fake and vague. Maybe in hind-sight, i was saving myself from something i’ll probably never know about because i never got the chance to find out.

The next position that i wasn’t into at all, the one i took a look at and knew i wouldn’t be a good fit for but still applied to turned out to be just as i had expected. I got the “Dear John version of job rejection” e-mail today that they were “pursuing other candidates” and chuckled when i got through reading it. I just knew, and sometimes you just know when something isn’t for you right from the get-go. This whole endeavor was supposed to feel like a blessing, not a burden. Blessings work when both wants align- yours and God’s.

When i was at Stellar, everything aligned. I was the one that made the leap. I was invited to interview, i was hired, i passed my training in five days, i made it through the nesting phase and in the years i was with them, i was always the top performer on my team and in general, the whole office. They even moved me from one side of the building to the other so I could help boost their scores. They never said so outright but I knew. I hardly saw my boss because he never had any complaints about me. I went to work happy and i came home happy. When something didn’t go my way at work, i left my problem at the door and started fresh the next day. I was never afraid of getting fired.

Our company closure was the worst thing that could have happened to me- we didn’t deserve it and ever since it all ended, i’ve been trying to find my Stellar again. Not necessarily me hoping we’d open back up again (because the chances of that happening are very low) but instead, everything that encompassed what Stellar represented to me at that time that showed me how things could line up in a beautiful way. How from one day to the next everything flowed like a perfect wave and you knew you were on the right path and just let it all carry you because you knew everything was gonna be okay. I want that again. I want to feel okay again. I want to find my purpose and i want it to flow the same way it did for me before. Trust me when i say, i’ll know that blessing when i see it- because i’ve already lived it. I know what it feels like.

I wasn’t upset at my rejection today. I was hoping it would come so that i could confirm that my feelings were valid. That i know myself so well that even a ‘NO’ wouldn’t surprise me. Not only that, but just knowing that God also knows me and whatever He has in store for me, that hopefully it’ll be everything i never knew i could have. I won’t lie. I’ve been angry, depressed. I’ve gone to bed sobbing. I’ve been so lost and i still am. I don’t know where i’ll end up but at least concerning today’s rejection, i won’t end up where i know i wasn’t meant to be.

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