I stopped taking refuge in music for the past 4 years when i found my boyfriend and fell in love. I loved music but i clung to it more as a comfort because it helped me write out my feelings and helped me relate. I was lonely, misunderstood and i coped with soft melodies but i still enjoyed myself. There's also me growing up. In essence you still keep things you enjoyed for years but a part of you still grows up, you change, your tastes change, your priorities. For example, my boyfriend who is 26 and three years younger thinks he will always be the guy he is from 18 to present time. That Black Metal will always be his favorite music and that he will want a long beard like Gandalf's.
I honestly don't think he will because a guy like him still thinks about himself a lot. He focuses so much about what's going to make him happy here and now that he doesn't think about the future. He is still stuck in trying to achieve things that should only be hobbies but treats them like things that he will carry with him into later adulthood. I've got news: he won't. Instead of focusing on finishing high school, he studies Polish, Russian when chances are, he won't even go to either place or use what he has managed to pick up through youtube tutorials. I said: "Why don't you get a degree in either? You could be a translator? Use your still to get a degree instead of keeping it to yourself in your bedroom?"
No one is going to hand you a job without a degree and self taught lessons from the internet aren't going to cut it or get you hired anywhere it's a waste of time in my opinion because he seems to be doing it as a challenge for himself just to see if he can do it. Instead of focusing on his GED which is a solution i gave him so he wouldn't have to go to night school for two more years (assuming he passes) he said "I'll do it next year..."

And that's the thing, some people don't think long term. They want to have families someday but don't prepare themselves to be the head of the household. There is zero sense of urgency. You want to do these things for them if you were able to but they have to want it for themselves.

Because i'm going through such a hard time with my folks not accepting our relationship, not having seen him in 2 years, his stagnant behavior, i find myself tearing up at my desk some mornings before i start for the day just thinking, coming up with scenarios, "solutions" and imagining every possible outcome but still unable to find a real solution to anything. I can't keep everyone happy even though i wish i could. I want to keep myself from suffering any longer but i am unable to.

Maybe i'm here because i've found myself at a new stage in my life maybe not like me at 15 when i started blogging here, maybe not in my early 20's when i was lost and didn't know what to do to get over the guy i was so hung up on who never loved me back... but now finally at almost 30 trying to build my own life but unable to because obstacles never cease to come forward to keep me from pushing through. Here i come listening to Toto, Stephen Bishop and all the Journey albums with Steve Perry looking for some answers to come my way or at least have the inspiration to write how i really feel in this thing and get everything out. Don't know if i will ever stop just wishing for things instead of having them be true and fruitful in my life. Don't know if i'm just destined to be that person who never fulfilled the things she really wanted just because in the end i'm still not the girl that is worth fighting for for anyone.

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