Stupid me, always the sentimental. I was physically drained this morning. Couldn't do anything at my normal pace but i made it through. Back at the dock we are allowed to bring Ipods and as i putting stuff away, "Kayleigh" came on and i thought of TWood. You know, it's one of those things where you hear a song and someone comes to mind. Every time he called, "Kayleigh" would start to play. He introduced me to that song and to Marillion, but i always made the association to him with it. I have a tendency to associate songs with everyone i know. Some have one song, and others have many.
I was breaking my own rule. I said i wouldn't call -i definitely won't- but this whole thing was out of hand and if you knew me at all, i absolutely hate having unresolved issues with anyone. I can't live if i know someone out there was estranged from me for whatever reason. So, since "Kayleigh" made me brave, i went ahead and just sent him a quick text message. I told him that if he really needed me -not that i think he does- but if he did, that he could still reach out to me and i'd help him. It's been hours since then. I regretted it the instant i sent it, because not having a quick response has a funny way of making you feel like a dumb fuck. So that was it. Never again would i reach out to someone like him who wouldn't doubt for a second to stop talking to me over something that was clearly his fault. It was his idiot move that costs us to disintegrate and i had to make a choice between my dignity or his conditions. Although, i think i might not have given a damn about dignity earlier, but it's done. I'm actually fine about it now. Well, fine enough. Like i said, you can't just completely erase all memory of someone so quickly. It takes some time but when it comes to him, i know i'll for sure be fine. My pride was hurt but i know i'll be just fine.
N-Lav however, is still wedged deep in the most hurtful of places. It's barely even been a week since the final time spoke to him and i have a knot in my throat when i think about the times he called me his best friend and that i was the sole reason he even wanted to be a better person. It hardly seems believable that this is the outcome after such lovely expressions of me. I'll never understand how a friend can just decide on something so hurtful and not feel like a knife has been twisted into their chest, because i wasn't fine. I didn't hide the fact that this would leave me broken-hearted. I tried so hard for months and months to get to a breakthrough with him. He was damaged. It's not easy for me to let go of people and pretend i never knew them. I'll never understand how some people can just find it so easy to leave it all behind when i supposedly meant so much to them. Sure, it seemed like he was equally hurt but i don't think i'll ever know for sure. The last thing he said to me was that i should listen and get a hold of a song he was listening to. He didn't tell me why but he seemed interested for me to hear it. it's the last thing i've got of my "friend"... and perhaps yes, the song will always remind me of him and the particular memory of when he abandoned me.
