Mooch and Earl Sunflower Style

To the Point of Self Destruction.

I know. It's me. Can't seem to stay away from here lately. Maybe because i have a real urge to cry for this for the first time in a long time. I was really starting to feel like my strength was solid -and it was- at least until right now and yesterday. Talking to B. has really gotten me to open up to a few things i hadnt yet realized until it came up in conversation. Sometimes it is a downfall to be caring. People like to walk all over that. Its so easy to do it and its so easy for the person being walked on to mistake it for something else.
Before i decided to open up my computer, i was laying down, on my back and looking up at the ceiling. It was more than just looking up at the glow in the dark stars and even more that one of the arms of my celing fan is broken off. I was focusing on drifting off into thoughts- lots of them- all together, so confusing and enlightning. I can't wrap my head around anything else but the strageness of this and how by one end, nothing makes any sense but because of that very thing, something good can come of it. Maybe this will all lead to something explosive. It makes sense to me, even if it doesnt to anyone else reading this. How can good and bad dwell in the same sentence? space? time?
When i think about how i'm haunted to the point of self destruction, i wonder if there is an actual light or if i'm making it up just to have some excuse to keep fighting towards it.

B. makes alot of sense and in that sense there is some of the things ive said to myself too and that kind of reminds me that i'm still sane, that there's still enough sense in me that i haven't completely lost all that i know.

I hope that the light isn't just an illusion. I hope it's real. I hope i can reach it.

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posted on 2011-01-22 @ 12:52 a.m.