Mooch and Earl Sunflower Style

now that it's come to this...

Here's where things get interesting. For the last (almost 6 years) it was always my hope to be with Daniel. I wanted us to belong to eachother and i waanted so badly to be with him.
I'm still in love with him but now, with a better understanding that things could go wrong.
Now, i do not have any expectations at all and i know that i have to get through 24 hours at a time.
Thing is, even though i love him, like i said before on my previous entry, i'm not going to fight over him with Yoko, i'm just not. I'm pretty sure he's old enough and mature enough to make a decision for himself without having two girls clawing at one another for his attention. I have no desire whatsoever to go down to a level i didn't even stoop down in during my high school life and i'm not about to start it in my 20's. I don't think i'm unfair. I get mad where mad is due, but i also dislike being angry with someone i care about even if they deserve my wrath.
I think not so deep down, that i am a caring softy who just wants everyone else to be happy.
I can't believe im here though...
Okay and breathing and not feeling pitiful about this situation. Daniel is still on thin ice with me but no matter what, i cannot control his actions. I never could and i never will. I am in love with a person that is at times difficult and at times very unworthy after all the harm he's done to me emotionally.
I am stepped back, calm, okay knowing that it is out of my hands to control his thoughts and feelings.
***
All this brings me to Josh. Nice guy with a country accent. Met him in the 5th grade and went to school with him until 7th grade. He wants to take me out on a date. I haven't even been able to hang out because i've been working every time he wants to go out.
He asked me out again but i haven't replied. I like him as a person but i don't really feel anything else to be honest. I realized that right now i don't need to be with anyone. I do not feel alone and i do not feel sad. I don't feel like i have to be with someone to complete me as a person. Besides, it wouldnt be fair to accept his invitations if this isn't going to go anywhere. I'm not saying this because of Daniel or anything. Even though (like i said...) i love him, i expect nothing. I am completely fine and i want to make it clear that there is no hidden illusions there. I know the situation and i'm not setting myself up for anything.
What i like the most about how things have changed lately is just knowing that i don't have to cry anymore. I haven't cried for Daniel since March of this year. The whole 6 months he decided not to speak to me, i just made it through one day at a time and then in July when he talked to me again until now, i haven't cried and i havent FELT like crying. I don't feel like the world is on top of me, i don't feel pain. I still feel dissapointed that he lies to me and the Twitter and Yoko and everything and i've gotten mad but there has been ZERO crying.
I'm glad i've gotten to the point where i can tell him exactly what i feel without holding back because alot of the things ive said, he needed to hear and i needed to make sure he knew and that i wasn't an idiot or oblivious to any of them.
I know there's things going on between them, i know he keeps lying, i know all of his excuses are lame and that i am not going to get in the middle of anything they might have.
In the end, i don't know (if there IS something going on with them romantically) why he's still coming to me. If anything, he should be the one she gets mad at, not me.
If she has things to say to me, then she should be a woman about it and tell me, e-mail me directly. If there is anything she wants to clear up, then im here, otherwise, she should stop bitching.
I'm not afraid of being without him. Not anymore. If she's what he wants, who am i to stop him?

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posted on 2010-12-15 @ 9:59 p.m.