Did i or did i not wake up in the middle of the early morning, check my messenger, saw him there and said "I love you"

- I don't know. It all seemed so blurry. Dreams are vivid so it could have been just a fantasy. You know they say that when you dream, your deepest desires manifest themselves in dreams.

If i DID do it, then i don't know how i feel about it; especially since i pretty much told him that he could do whatever he wanted with his love life. I don't know if he actually read my diary when i sent him the link, but yes, that's what i did. I did it because i felt like no matter what i did or said that he could still lie, so giving him that freedom would probably make him feel less guilty. Emmm, i don't know if he actually felt guilt.

Still, i like saying what i feel no matter what the heck i said to begin with. True, i feel it and if i do, i'll say it even though now im questioning not only if i dreamed this, but in the off chance that i didn't, if i should have said what i thought i said.

Saying'I love you' wouldn't exactly seem like such a big deal to some people but i don't usually hand them out from thin air.

Wait, ugh, why am i even beating myself up about this? why?
Sometimes i hate the way i think about this too much. There are certain things about myself that i wish i could just let go of easily, but i forget that maybe they're already a part of me so does this mean that i shouldn't even bother trying to rip them off me? Are they set in stone?

I used to say "Nothing is set in stone but clay so you can mold it".

I actually came up with that quote because i felt it was true, so, some part of me must think it is. I thought those words up when i was trying to make Gil feel better, but i had to believe that it also applied to me.

I'm not trying to forget Daniel or pretend like he doesn't exist. That would be like denying myself that there was ever such a guy that i loved and gave myself to. It would be like slashing myself open.

I'm still just trying to pull both of us together. I'm trying to give him the chance to choose what he wants, i'm trying to let him know that he doesn't have to feel like i'm forcing him to be with me. I don't want that. I don't want a forced relationship. I don't even want a forced friendship. I don't know if i can give him my friendship alone without my feelings getting in the way, but what do i do when this feeling is bigger than me? How do i manage another day knowing he won't be around?
I can't go somewhere and pretend that he could be behind me if i turn around.

I wouldn't know how to deal with never feeling my whole entire body shaking as he touches me.

I don't know how i'd feel.

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