I meant what i said when in many entries ago i stated that i thought it was possible to have more than one suitable mate...
that it just takes that one special person to realize how amazing you are and realize they don't want to lose you.

it took so long for daniel to appreciate the kind of person i was always trying to convey and it took almost 10 years and each one being in relationships with other people. go figure.

sometimes when i reflect, i wish that had happened a lot sooner. we would of saved ourselves a lot of back and forth uncertainty. i know he regrets how he treated me in the past, like that one time i cried over the phone and the long period of time he stopped speaking to me because his girlfriend at the time didn't like me.
i'll never forget all those nights i stayed awake hoping he would call or text me that he missed me but never did.
the times i knew he started a new relationship and i'd cry like a little kid.
i loved him so much that i think that got in the way of us having a real friendship. he was naturally a flirt so it got hard to establish an only friends status. he got my heart pounding all the time. i couldn't help it. he could be a jerk to me then turn around and say something right and i'd weaken. he had so much power over me and i think he always knew that. its amazing how much a person can have that and use it against you.
I never understood what i had done wrong to deserve that ugly side of him.

When he was having girl troubles during one period of time, he called me a few times to talk about it. i was still in love with him but i wanted to be a good friend. i wanted to be there for him. i cared about him and even if it stung, i wanted to hear him and maybe even catch him laughing or lowering his voice in that way i loved so much.
I remember when he told me this girl he had been seeing was ignoring him and giving him the cold shoulder. he'd go after her and text her constantly even when she wanted nothing to do with him. i wondered why he was going after someone who didn't care about him, why he was going out of his way to be nice to her but a jerk to me.
I told him: "you know what your problem is? you are nice to people who don't give a crap about you and a jerk to people who actually care about you. maybe i should be a bitch like her, then you'd be nice to me..."

He called me a few times about this and even though it kind of hurt, it also felt like old times.

I knew eventually i would stop hurting. i'd just learn to deal with the fact that we would never be together. ever. it sucked to think about but i needed to wedge that into the core of my being. it was the only way to wake up. i wasn't about to be one of those delusional people who couldn't accept when something wasn't meant to be. i'm not crazy and i wasn't about to start.
There's things that only make you wiser with age and i think we're both mature enough to be great friends. i think he realizes now how some people come and go (and i'm sure many came and went in his life) but some stay constant. we've known each other since we were seventeen. i fell in love. he broke my heart, i pieced it back together after many failed attempts and most importantly, i allowed myself to forgive him even before he came back into my life to tell me he was sorry. that in turn allowed me to heal and wish him well. other people in my shoes would pin voodoo dolls but hate does nothing but keep you chained to another person and cause you misery. even when he caused me hurt --even if he never meant to hurt me-- i always wanted happiness for him no matter what. i still do. i always will.

I finally found the love of my life.
I still see Daniel with a sense of nostalgia. i miss little fragments of what was us at seventeen and the moment i realized i had a crush on him. his swim stuff, his long hair, our talks on the telephone... Chicago playing in the background and why Boston was the best band ever.

I'm glad we are still friends. we don't talk every day but we have a mutual repect and love for one another. i know we could have been awesome together. a nutty combination of constant sarcasm, hair, 80s music, band tees, and sexiness all rolled into one.... or some variation of that. maybe.

i'm thankful where i am now and who i'm with.
i can say that with a healed heart and sense of clarity finally.


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