I have changed some. I don't cry as easily as i used to. People make assumptions. They can read this blog through and through but if we haven't conversed, if you don't know who i really am, at most, this diary only vaguely paints what i am. Blogs usually entail our frustrations, our moments of weakness and knowing fully well that we may not be the best people while venting such emotions but isn't that what writing is for? We let go, let loose and loose all sense of giving a shit. We think without logic and feel with great passion. We talk about dreams and things we couldn't fathom would ever come about...things people wouldn't understand if we told them.
So, to jump to conclusions about who i am as an entire being is silly.

I thought about that as i reflected on this.

I don't lead others on. Nor do i make people fall in love with me. I have no control over what others feel towards me -good or bad- and i would never take advantage of their feelings. I'm honest from the start. I wipe my hands clean and i am not responsible for their actions thereafter.

If you don't believe in God, that's not my problem, but i do. Some people like to see things placed in front of them to believe in them. I feel differently. I think God is pretty awesome and if more people paid attention and were more sensitive to the things around them He wants us to see, we'd have more answers than questions. I reserve the right to believe in what i do and do not judge others if they personally feel like they have to control everything and see everything with their eyes to prove it's validity. To each his own.

I DO know what love is. It is a beautiful thing, truly. It is one thing to be upset and bitter and another to intend to say to someone you don't know that they don't know what love is out of anger.
No matter who i end up sharing my life with in the future, no amount of physicality that you might of had with him that i did not could ever measure up to how [this love]personally made me feel. I hold no grudge, no anger for anything that has happened to me, for letting go on my own when the time was right has made me the better person, not him. Or what, are you gonna tell me you haven't cried over him like a weak idiot? The fact that something can prevail for this long, never tiring, never weakening... that is love. It doesn't matter if the other person feels the same. If your intentions are pure and honest, it is love. The feeling and the certainty that no matter what, it will never die. That your heart, body and soul will always flourish for that individual. Don't tell me i don't know what love is. The closest i had ever come to real love was this. with him.

I always had faith in time. I didn't set my life on it but i believed in the back of my mind it would always prove itself. I don't know everything there IS to know because most of the time i let things happen, cross my fingers and hope for the best. Don't intend to know me, because you never will...not really. I have nothing negative to say because i cannot judge those whom i do not know. My only weakness was loving someone, as was yours. He equally lied to both of us so it doesn't make you any better or more fortunate than me. Instead of lashing out at me, be a real woman and recognize who was the one at fault. I don't know the extent of your feelings nor do i care. I can only state my own and what it meant for ME... and it WAS pure, golden and true to me and potentially eternal. If he didn't know how to value how special it was, that's not my fault.
We fight for those we love and put up our fists when we feel threatened. Outwardly we're heroes putting out the bravest face but can't fully dominate what dwells inside even though we try. It breaks through any fake smile and reveals the truth...
The truth that in the end, nor you or i can control what another person does. Each of us controls our own body.

So don't act like you know everything. Don't pretend to be sassy and clever, i was just like you and you were just like me. Two girls out of many who fell for it. Just thought you outta know.

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