Mooch and Earl Sunflower Style

I've come to terms with this.

Sometimes talking to Daniel is like talking to a friend that you haven't been in touch with for years and when you get to talking, you're not quite sure what topic to hit to find a common ground.
Daniel and I used to talk 5 days a week for 3-4 hours at a time.
Sometimes the topics would be silly but i enjoyed them. Believe it or not, Daniel was funny once and he had that accent of his which he refused to believe was even an accent because i was as a Texan.
I'm thinking about it now and even though we've been through hell fire, it seems like we should be much more bonded together after almost 6 years of knowing one another.
I mean, the guy is the only one person EVER to see me naked, vulnerable and in love.
I think we should at least have that great friendship if we're going to be mature about this.
I've come to terms with this and i think now where i am at this stage, I'm finally okay and i've accepted that he doesn't love me anymore or that he doesn't want me in that way anymore so when he doesn't call or get in touch with me for weeks and even months, i say to myself: 'that's just Daniel' and i shrug and don't think anything else about it.
I'm okay with being friends but i just wish we'd talk like before. I think that's my only sad note about this relationship. If things couldn't go (romantically speaking) as i would of hoped, i would at least want us to still be close. I'd still manage a way to go and see him in Iowa and keep that promise to myself to make the effort to go and visit.
We're through talking and he's caught up in Call of Duty and i'm On the Phone with someone else and that's just life. Sooner of later in some way we had to separate the glue that was holding us. Distance kind of does that to you and i guess if i think about it, growing older and not being 17 anymore i knew eventually if we both let it happen, we'd lose touch no matter how much i still cared for him.
That's what i wanted to avoid when he stopped calling me so much but i guess for almost 6 years, i did a hell of a job trying. That's just it. I tried. I loved him and i never glanced at anyone else. The thought circling arond in my head about me marrying him in a heartbeat if he ever asked me is still there but i know that it's just an illusion of something that has a slim chance of happening right now but the though still holds true. I'd do it and i wouldn't even think about thinking twice about it.
For a long time from now on, i think i'll compare any suitors i get. I've never said this before but not that long ago i realized that Daniel was the love of MY life. I believe that a person can be the love of your life even if you end up with someone else. Circumstances just made him stray elsewhere. I think that happens alot but people don't really talk about it.
I feel okay and i haven't been able to say that for a long, long time. It used to kill me when he'd stop talking to me and it kind of felt like half of me was missing and even though it might sound corny, i felt it.
There's still a little sad feeling that brews when i think of what could of been but i can cope with it, take a deep breath and keep going because i know he's okay and if he still wanted to come, i'd be thrilled to have him.
I know there's always going to be a part of me that will feel like i lost the person i knew was the one i wanted to be with forever.
More than anything since things started going badly with us and his constant lying started, i wanted to heal this. I wanted to not feel such pain and at the same time also not hold a grudge against him. I wanted to wake up in the morning and not feel like my heart was crushing underneath his feet. I wanted to salvage our friendship even if that meant that my heart had to let him go.
It still hasn't let him go yet, but with all that said, i am okay and i know very soon i won't feel any pain whatsoever. Honestly, i don't know where our friendship will end up in the end but i can only do so much, try my hardest before he just completely decides to pull the plug on us.
I can only hope for the best.

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posted on 2010-11-29 @ 11:23 p.m.