I have my alarm set to 4:00a.m. as i do every night when i don't have to work early so i can talk to Fabián before he leaves for work. These days though, he seems to me more preocupied with perfecting his art skills and picking up guitar again and i just can't figure out if he's going through some "mid 20s crisis".
Having hobbies and spending all of your free time on them is fine IF you have nothing else to do or aren't in the process of having to improve your life situation. I'm not saying you can't unwind or have fun but he hasn't exactly been brushing up on the reading material my folks gave him or even opened a page of scripture and that worries me. i don't say anything to him now because i don't want to lay on the pressure. some people take that pressure and adrenalize it and focus. he takes that pressure, shuts down, thinks too much and self destructs and blames himself. i worry about what he's going to say to my father when he comes back early next year and if my dad finds that he hasn't lived up to his word, then that means that my worst fears may come to light. i worry about that every day. i worry that it may take years for him to be accepted as a suitable man my own folks could be proud of and I'm closer to 30 than 20 now. Time is unforgiving and as much as Fabi and i are in love and want to be together, right now i feel like he's trying to cope with everything by picking up old hobbies. if you are single that's fine but we both have a goal to work for. A goal as grown ups to be together and to use our time wisely. There will always be time to draw and play an instrument later. Right now, making us survive this distance is key. When he wants to play Stronghold, i let him.
Watch Soccer, i say go for it.
Watch a movie, cool.
I never want to make him feel like his time off should be spent talking to me only but as i said, lately, his way of coping with this distance and all the pressure is by doing other things.
So, he's coping with this by doing other activities and is neglecting me in the process. he's recognized this on his own several times yet i keep reassuring him everything will be okay.
We don't skype as much anymore because of the other things he wants to do. he told me we'd skype now that he's off from school for two weeks but nothing so far.
I just dont want this whole thing to slow us down. i need to know we're moving forward, not backwards. He doesn't have as much money saved this year as he did last year and that also worries me. i keep it to myself, i tell him we'll be okay but i honestly don't know. i try not to think about how much longer i will have to wait. i hate waiting and i think the majority of the reason why is because i spent a big chunk of time waiting for someone else in my past i used to love to make up their mind about us until i just broke and gave up trying. i gave that person up not because i didn't love him but because i finally felt like loving myself enough to let go of something that was never gonna happen was the key to getting myself back to being okay without him. i thought with Fabi I'd be done waiting but it turns out I'm waiting but in a different sense. He says he wishes he could wake up and have everything figured out for us but wishing doesn't make things happen... and i guess if he keeps yearning for things that in the end don't matter as much as building our relationship, he's gonna see a lot of tears in us both. and you know, i don't feel like crying over things like this. I cried for years for someone else i wasn't able to change but I'd really hate to cry for something that was changeable.

i should sleep. (or try to.)

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