I brought illness back home with me. Maybe that's why i'm awake and moving in bed. In any case, i'm not going to force myself to go back to sleep when my body is awake.
Whatever i have seems to be progressing instead of retrieving back but i think i have to let it run it's course so i can heal and be normal again. I don't feel horrible, but i could be better.

I'm not going to reflect on everything i've done this year because people focus too much on it come a day like this. They wait until the 31st to end something or the 1st of January to start it. My philosophy is to just start/end something when you're ready to... in February, August or March. Don't pressure yourself to set a weight loss goal when the new year comes just because half the population thinks they should. That is why most of the resolutions never work... because you're forcing them into your life for the sake of making one instead of when you have the true conviction to.
That is why i don't make any on a day like this. And i won't.

ONE thing i will speak of that i probably will always reflect on and want to is my romantic misadventures.

It's funny how close i came time and time again to seriously dating someone yet by some weird, sometimes stupid reason that felt like a hair on a plate of food, everything poofed out of view and i was alone. None ever broke my heart the least bit but i did question myself. I'm a romantic. I believe in true passionate love or i wouldn't spend time listening to Chicago. When these people took the road away from me, i took it like it was and walked away.

Yeah, i got it. I'm probably being set apart for the person i'm going to be with. There is only [one] person that i have been 100% constantly and madly in love with. One thing did i did learn some time ago is that people grow and change and I always felt like [he] had to grow more and change on the inside before he could finally understand my love and finally cherish it the way it deserved to...then things could start happening. This whole time i have hesitated because i felt like he wasn't ready yet. I needed him to prove an extended period of time that he only wanted me... that my sacrifice would be worth it. That the years spent loving him and crying would all be irrelevant come the end because i knew he'd always love me the same way i would. Always. I guess that's it. The fear in me that all of it would of been for nothing.

Funny thing i noticed, neither one of my family members or parents have EVER asked me if i've been truly in love. They don't know if i've ever cried over someone or had them on my mind during dinner or before bed... walking around in mall or on Valentine's Day.

And i think it's sad that they hadn't. Because i think i'd openly tell them.

Today is a happy day though. I am in good spirits. I've healed a lot of wounds through prayer and writing. This little diary has done a lot for me and through self expression, i've been able to see things i never had and ease my way out of sadness and doubt. All i have to do is read back.

I know that no matter what you do, you cannot make someone love you or be your friend. All you can do is make yourself someone to be loved. If a friend or anyone doesn't want it, you can't force it. I kindly let go of the people that have decided to not be in my life...whether by pressure from a third person or because i was too special they did not want to let me down anymore with their negative actions, then that's okay. I wish them well and i hope that me being in their life did something good for them. That's all i can ever hope for. I hope they remember me with love as i will remember them. I release them and won't hold on anymore. Holding on hurts and leaves no room for other people who wait to knock at the entrance of your heart.

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