I thought about Sarah today and how ungrateful of a person she was to me. I honestly thought she would be in my life forever but i guess nothing really is certain when it comes to 'friends'. I miss her mother. Their house is a mere 2 or 3 minute drive from mine- it's that close. I know i could drive over there. I could forget about all those dry, empty and cold words and stop by to say hello. I know her mom and sister would be glad to see me. I always felt like they thought very well of me. I would always go to their house and hang out, eat dinner and play with their dog.

I'd see all the pictures in Sarah's room and the gifts i had given to her throughout the years.

The problem isn't moving on. I can do that. Everyone loses friends periodically or eventually. I'd always preferred (if it HAD to happen) that i'd lose a friend because we had just simply grown apart and agreed to separate without feelings getting hurt and not because one of them chose to end it. It hurts. When you lose a friend and you didn't necessarily want to, it feels like they died in a way. I feel like she died... only she's alive and only a three minute drive from me. I never see her around town. I almost wish i did, because i'd like to see the look on her face upon seeing me. I wonder if she'd feel weird and embarrassed. I wonder if she would pretend she didn't see me and keep walking. I wonder if she even cared enough about me enough that it hurts her. I believe that she's fine though. That's the funny thing.

I believe she's so empty of feelings at this point in her life that she doesn't mourn our years worth of friendship or really anything. I kinda hate that she discarded my years of loyalty towards her like it was nothing. That i don't miss about her. I'm letting it go peacefully little by little.

It amazes me the way in which i've been let down. None of that has ever had any justification. The only person i ever let down was Ashley. Even though i was going through a depression at the time, and i was lost, sad, confused and dealing with being in love...
I knew i needed time for myself to heal. I needed to get out of this habit i had of crying every day. She was the only one who chased me down and bought me card and left it at my door. In it, she said she would always be there for me and would help me get through anything. I felt my stomach drop. I loved her like my sister but at the time, i only thought about my own grief.

I now know that i DID in fact suffer from depression and when you're depressed, not only do you NOT think about who you're hurting, but the last thing you want is to drag the people you care about into something like this. You only think about how much hurt is inside yourself. I didn't want to admit it or i just didn't recognize it at the time. It was a horrible time in my life. I didn't eat, all i wanted to do was sleep. Physically, i was hurting. I was skipping my classes in college. The only reason i went was to have some time alone away from everyone.

Ashley is the only one who fought for me and because of that, i know now that she WILL be in my life forever.

I don't take things too much to heart anymore... or i try not to. It doesn't mean i don't care. It just means that i don't want to allow things to hurt me on a level where i can't think properly. Instead, i want to cope properly.

The only real way to find out who really cares about me, my friendship and my love is to just simply let things happen the way they need to. Good and Bad. Tests will come sooner or later.

I hope Sarah looks back on my words someday and realizes that all i ever wanted was her happiness, well being and joy.

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