For a slight moment, i still think of the possibility that the fit for me is right around the corner, but then i open my eyes one morning to realize another month is coming to a close and it's frustrating.

I'm fed up with parts of this world so i hold on to the only deity that knows my hopes and fears and dreams and if only He could just come to me and tell me everything's going to be okay. I know that somehow it will be but sometimes you just need to hear it, break down into sobs of relief and once you know, look extra hard for whatever opportunity might come along and in what form.

I think i need that, much like when i had a dream where my adult self was looking at 4 year old me... and when i hugged myself as a child, i didn't say anything yet i wanted me to understand that everything was going to turn out okay in the future. I guess it's because of all i went through from the moment i was born. it was like starting over new and letting that tiny me know that no matter what she might face, that it would pass.

i know i might have the strength for 100 more tries but i honestly don't want to have to go through them all to find that i still have nothing.

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