Lately though i have had a couple of dreams about Daniel. Yesterday night i had one that wasn't at all complicated. it was the kind of dream where you don't speak much but while you are in it, you know what the person is trying to say because you are looking into their eyes and somehow you have the ability to know exactly what they are saying.
In these dreams, he is apologetic. that is what he vibes.
sort of trying to really convey how sorry he is for all the unpleasant stuff that went between us and he wishes he could go back and do things over.
i honestly don't know if he would or if he feels like he would really change how things happened. I mean, there are key things in life that factor in and can stray you in a completely different direction.
I guess that when we talked not too long ago on his birthday about him getting older and worn down.... you know... i thought about that a lot. I thought about age and getting to that mind set. that feeling like: 'well, I'm another year older and i can't get away with things like when i was 19 or 20 cause I'd just look like a creeper.'
once you hit a certain age, people wonder why everyone else is getting married and you're still trying to figure out what's wrong with you.
somehow we can all relate to that. i remember my dad very randomly and serious asking me if i thought I'd ever get married and at that time, i was still very much grieving and contemplating Daniel and coping with getting him out of my mind and heart. It's very hard to hear that from a loved one, especially when you are just trying to get out of bed every morning feeling sort of okay with the world. Imagine being so in love but carrying the constant reminder that that person is NOT for you and that you have to move on. i don't think i will ever experience that sort of pain again. Loving Daniel taught me a lot about heart break and it taught me that at the time of it all, i was just a doormat, a second option, a person for whom he settled for when there was no one else available to feed his needs. him and i, we're okay now. we talk every now and again and even though it took him a long time to appreciate me as a person and friend, it felt like i left behind that unanswered question of: Did he ever love me?

If i answer it, i would probably say NO.
i think that a man in love wouldn't have let 10 years go by without saying something. i mean, even now i sometimes laugh at how hard it is [still] for him to express that he cares. his guard is still slightly up even when we both are in relationships with other people. he'll say something like "fine, i DO care" but only after I've pushed him to do it.

We never got our chance and i think that will always loom between us no matter how many years go by. i think he cared about me and he was attracted to me but i always wanted more and i think he knew that and he just wasn't ready to give someone such a deep part of himself. we talk and things are casual and friendly and just knowing how much has changed between us over the years, it's hard to believe there was a time in which i felt so completely in love with him. i wanted to marry him. i felt so strongly.
There's this song by Winger called "Miles Away" and there is this part of the song in minute 2:44 and it slows down enough so that Kip Winger starts to end the song and he says:
"...the loneliness just fades away
thoughts of you just memories
no cryin out for what you're missing
time won't forget
what you meant to me"

That was always sort of my goodbye to Daniel. It was that 'i know i will never have you so i have to stop loving you'

it's been a while but whenever i do listen to that part, I'm still reminded of him and all we did go through together. i still do firmly believe that if things hadn't happened a certain way and he hadn't turned cold the way he did for a time, i think we could of ended up together... assuming he had feelings for me.

I have no idea what those dreams mean or if they're right or wrong. i just know it's never too late to make things right with someone. we're in a good place now and things ended up fine.

I am so in love with the guy i am with now. i wouldn't give him up for the world.

I am glad Daniel is happy. is he in love? i don't know. has he ever been in love before? i don't know.
When he truly is, he will know and I'm sure he will do whatever it takes not to lose her.

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