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conversations of growth
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We had our most emotional conversation yet. the funny thing about it is, it started off great. we were laughing and joking and then he heard his mother's boyfriend complaining. i wasn't entirely sure about what since that man is always complaining about something. Fabi�n lowered his gaze and i knew i was in for another emotional hour or two. he put his hands in his face and silently wept. i can't even explain how sad it is to see the person you love weeping and not being able to hold them while they cry.
it just means so much more when you can grab on tight and let them sob on your chest.
he was already thinking a million things ahead of time yet this was something we've been through a handful of times before. things were slowly getting better, he was healing and i was so grateful but again, he let that man get into his head. I knew it wasn't just this situation but the stress of everything else. work, school, visa, and now this stress at home. he was carrying all that load on his back and it all just got him overwhelmed.
Fabi�n started talking crazy saying that if something were to happen like that man leaving, it would be hard for him and his mom to afford paying all the bills on their own then that in turn would affect the money he's saving for his trip to see me and then that would cause tension between us and that i needed to be happy and have babies and a husband and that if anything were to happen that i needed to promise him that i would be okay and live the life i deserve. I knew those were all empty threats. we both knew his mom's boyfriend wouldn't leave because this wasn't the first time something like this happened.
I of course shook my head, started to cry and that made him cry.
If there is one thing that i could remove from his way of being, its his habit of thinking too much and so much that he gets these crazy ideas in his head about things that haven't happened and won't."if i lose you, i will never be okay again", i whispered in Spanish. He lost it. Cried with me.
if he sees anything compromised when it comes to our relationship, his mind begins to work and thoughts go towards negative thoughts. when someone is used to having bad things happen, its hard to break that cycle and its something ive been working hard to help him through. He tried to get me to smile but at first i couldn't. the thought of him telling me that i deserve this or that... have babies in case something went wrong, that thought scared me....
because we love each other so much. he hates even slightly disappointing me. his mission is to make me happy and if he sees me crying, he feels like he's failing me.
i told him that he should stop letting other people dictate his feelings and that now more than ever we needed to be strong. i told him that everything would be okay....
that things would still go as planned. the money will continue to be saved as planned and when it came time to get the interview for the visa, that it would get approved. i try to stay positive and when i said goodbye to my grandma yesterday, i told her " see you in january" because i have faith that everything will go as planned and she will come meet him.
He apologizes for being a factor in the tears i shed and thanks me for being the best girlfriend in the world. Sometimes he calls me his wife because that's how he says he sees me. He never stops saying how he wants to give me everything i deserve. We constantly talk about how our life together will be and where we will live. Sometimes i think it will be somewhere in Europe...
maybe in Italy where his grandfather is from. It never mattered where i'd be because i always knew i would be protected and safe and happy as long as i was with him.
Each time we have an emotionally charged conversation whether its happy or stressed out tears, i feel like we learn so much more about the other. our strengths and what ever makes us weak. i really think sometimes we need to have those times because we know how to deal with them and how to fix them. i come out loving him so much more after times like these. my heart bursts because he really is the most wonderful human being i've ever met. he loves me so much. i see it in everything we are doing together.... in all we are working for. no one else could have ever done what he has. sacrificing hours of sleep, money, time.... all to make me the happiest woman in the world.
He still has things to heal. His life was not easy but the best thing i can do is keep loving him and keep reassuring him that i am going to fight right there with him. i love him and we have one heck of a great life together to live and look forward to.
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posted on 2014-08-03 @ 11:18 p.m.
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