What bothers me sometimes, is how stupid, annoying fuckers have it better. Eh. The bible does say that It rains on the just and the unjust so maybe that's where the whole 'God's Mercy' kicks in. I don't know. I don't feel like i deserve special treatment because i go to church. Most of the time while the kids are on break playing a game, i'll wander off and have thoughts about how great sex would be. Then i feel like i should be struck my lightning. Whatever.

For the most part, i have amazing friends. Maria is one of them. She might be eligible for an extra free cell phone and she said she would gladly give it to me for free. That was a wow moment for me. I initially offered to pay her but she said she would just hand it over. It's not set in stone or anything but the idea that it might happen? Well, i'm grateful for that, too. If i was in her shoes, i would give it away too.

I need to de-crowd certain people out of my head once and for all. They take up room and don't do me any good. Some i don't even talk to anymore. That's just a part of my life that i'm going to have to face. Not everyone wants to stay in your life forever or for a considerable amount of time so you let them go even if by some trigger, you remember them. The trick is to not remember them with hate. Hate poisons your heart and i don't want mine to be infested with such a horrible emotion.

I'm entirely over people playing games. I thought that would be far gone from my life by this point but as time goes on, i realize adults have internally turned into nasty spineless teenagers capable of hurt, gossip and hatred. There's a small number of people in my life now that i actually trust and would jump through fire for although as years pass, you really find out who really is your friend and who would metaphorically speaking: turn you loose and leave you out to die. It's all about 'my benefit' for people or what they can squeeze out with no regards to whom they hurt in the process if need be.

Everyone is getting evil by the minute. Times are changing and i know it will only get worse. I know.

Maybe this is a lesson for me and for the others who feel like i do. Maybe it's better that those people who call themselves 'friends', disappoint you now so that you can open your eyes already, set them free and move along. This stuff hurts. If it didn't, we wouldn't have a heart. My damn heart gets in the way for loving, for trusting, seeking. For always wanting to find a common good in everyone that touches me... but not everyone is good deep down. It would be a brilliant fantasy to have but a false one.

Jealousy, Anger, Resentment, Hatred, Abuse. I don't want that in my life. I've had enough of that. I'm a valuable woman. There's just no more space in my mind to think about these things. They might attack me from time to time but they won't become a part of me, embedded in my skin. I'll try not to let them.

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