I do what he says. Yeah, it stung. Yeah, i kind of cried...a lot. He was so fluffed up with pride. He must of felt invincible at the time i'm sure. He felt like he could take a bite out of the sun because i didn't think one person could be so damn insulting.
It was clear that he wasn't thinking but i wasn't about to grovel either. Yes, he made his choice so i left him alone. I had other friends, other people who DID care about me so it wasn't like i was alone but losing a friend like that? I'm not a fan of it. Ending things in bad terms is something i will never be okay with.
I'm not the kind of person who will beg to be in someone's life. I will fight for you if i think i can do it, but i won't stick around after hearing words like these. He was definitely aiming to hurt me (which he did) but what he failed to realize was that he was hurting himself way more than he could ever hurt me.
I knew him long enough to know that in the long run, while i hated the idea of how our friendship ended, i kind of knew i'd be okay sooner rather than later. He underestimated just how much my comfort meant to him and how much he actually relied on my advice and friendship. I'd think about him occasionally wondering if he was in fact as okay and perfect as he said he would be if the problem we had hadn't happened. He gave himself a large dosage of courage and overconfidence but i knew that would only last for so long.

One of the last things i said to him was that he would get what he deserved. I called him a cruel human and a waste of my time and money. I told him i he would regret it. Truth was, i didn't know if he would end up feeling any of those things. I spoke out of anger but i had certainly hoped for everything to pan out somehow. I couldn't stand it when a person hurt me. It always made me want to wish as hard as i could for some form of bitchin' karma and even better if i got to witness it or hear of it. It would of made me feel like some form of justice was being served on a golden plate in front of my eyes.

A few months later while checking my e-mail and messages from the various sites i belong to, i stumble upon a message from none other than the ungrateful ass himself. It read:

"I didn't know which site/service to send you a message on, because I didn't know if I'd be able to, or if I'd be blocked... or what-have-you.
I figured I'd send you a message here because this is where it all began.
My girlfriend and I had a long talk the other night about things. I'd been depressed lately because I've lost a couple friends... most not necessarily by my own doing. The one biggest loss, out of everyone, was losing you. I told her that and I made it clear that I missed you.
She felt terrible about making me do what I did. She knows she messed up. I know I messed up. She told me... message Kenet. Reach out to her and be a friend to her again. I know you miss her.
And it's true. I really do.
I'm not going to say much more, other than.. I'd like to be friends again. I miss talking with you so much. I understand it would be some time before you'd be able to trust me or talk to me like you used to.
If you'd like to be friends again, just send me an add request FB,... e-mail me, text me, whatever.
Hearing from you would really make my day. We've got so much to catch up on."

All i remember was laughing quietly, surprised by the whole bit, but at the same time not so much. He was always the mushy type so in that regard, i got it but i didn't really think that it would happen 100% You kind of fantasize about it, i did... lots of times but actually seeing it was really something. I gave him a piece of me too. I wrote a long message back that included:

"You're right... it will take me AGES to even trust you again but i'll give you props for reaching out to me...especially since you were the one that got all vain and fluffy with pride and told ME not to contact YOU again as if i was going to be the one to be so weak without you."

To be honest, i doubt we can be the friends we were before. There was something permanently ruined. I don't feel like i could ever rely on him for anything. I don't feel comfortable calling him or texting him. He ruined that comfort that i felt in which i knew that if i called or text or commented on something, that there wouldn't be another pair of eyes watching his every move. He can certainly try if he wants but there's a part of me that is still pissed about his choice even if he can't go back and undo it. I don't really care. I used to forgive so easily in the past when now i know some people don't deserve such easy access back into your life after hurting a part of you this badly. I don't know which is more dominant... the part where i turn my back on the hurters or the part where the soft side of me takes over and gets sentimental and nostalgic.

I can sort of sense that even though he wants MY friendship back to the way it was, i'm sure he knows it's not just about saying your sorry anymore, put a band-aid over it and it's done. Hurting someone and then wanting them back means putting in TWICE the effort than you would of before and not only that, but proving yourself for a period of time. Why? Because there's always the chance of repeat screw up. It's a test. A test to see if you're sorry... if you really changed, if you want things to improve and what you can do so it doesn't happen again.

The thing i wish people would know is that if you keep saying 'I'm Sorry' for the same shit you keep doing, you have to reevaluate what the fuck YOU'RE doing wrong and why you can't stop it from happening.

So, you know...who knows what's going to happen. He hasn't really been doing much to try and repair what he did, and i'm not holding my breath pretending he will go so much out of his way. I don't care if bitch-face gave him green light to talk to me...
Hah. Unbelievable how some guys are so fucking whipped.

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