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Dear Diary...
2023-01-07
So, my wedding date is June 2nd. That's the plan at least. I'm still in the habit of saying 'should be' or 'hopefully' or 'that's the plan' because of the history I have with things not panning out the way I hope. I'm always afraid. There's always a struggle, always a 'not now' and time just drags on for me. As much as I want to let go of the past, I do think that we'd be in a different place... a better place right now if we had gotten married pre-pandemic and when I still had my job. Perhaps I'd already have a baby and we'd be figuring out things together but none of that happened. Just when I finally gained enough acceptance, the pandemic happens. Now that the pandemic ended, I lost my job- a job I loved and a job I still miss because I get attached to things I care about in a deep way and it's hard for me to let go and move on. I should really re-visit what I said before about finding solace in the small steps and rejoice in them when they do happen. I found a silicone ring I liked for those days where I won't want to wear my actual ring set out or to go to bed in. It's thin and light pink and not clunky. I showed it to my fiancé and he said it would look nice on my delicate, slim fingers. I still need to buy my courthouse dress, shoes and anything else. I need to buy the plane ticket soon and I don't have enough money for that so... we're finally at that stage where I'm about to be broke-broke unless I find a job NOW or dip into my 401K. This is where I am and I don't know how much longer I can stall before I have to make a choice. Either way, I have to press forward regardless of who likes or doesn't like what I'm doing. I am getting married and I must find comfort in that thought right now.

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Much Love,

-kenny-loo
Past Confessions:
A God of Silence. - 2023-07-11
The someday dress anecdote - 2023-05-21
I’m just good at pretending. - 2023-05-15
To all the boys I've liked before. - 2023-05-14
Never a Daddy's Girl. - 2023-04-04