new old mail book notes profile irish home
Dear Diary...
So, my wedding date is June 2nd. That's the plan at least. I'm still in the habit of saying 'should be' or 'hopefully' or 'that's the plan' because of the history I have with things not panning out the way I hope. I'm always afraid. There's always a struggle, always a 'not now' and time just drags on for me. As much as I want to let go of the past, I do think that we'd be in a different place... a better place right now if we had gotten married pre-pandemic and when I still had my job. Perhaps I'd already have a baby and we'd be figuring out things together but none of that happened. Just when I finally gained enough acceptance, the pandemic happens. Now that the pandemic ended, I lost my job- a job I loved and a job I still miss because I get attached to things I care about in a deep way and it's hard for me to let go and move on. I should really re-visit what I said before about finding solace in the small steps and rejoice in them when they do happen. I found a silicone ring I liked for those days where I won't want to wear my actual ring set out or to go to bed in. It's thin and light pink and not clunky. I showed it to my fiancé and he said it would look nice on my delicate, slim fingers. I still need to buy my courthouse dress, shoes and anything else. I need to buy the plane ticket soon and I don't have enough money for that so... we're finally at that stage where I'm about to be broke-broke unless I find a job NOW or dip into my 401K. This is where I am and I don't know how much longer I can stall before I have to make a choice. Either way, I have to press forward regardless of who likes or doesn't like what I'm doing. I am getting married and I must find comfort in that thought right now.

< --------------------------------------------- >

Much Love,

Past Confessions:
The someday dress anecdote - 2023-05-21
I’m just good at pretending. - 2023-05-15
To all the boys I've liked before. - 2023-05-14
Never a Daddy's Girl. - 2023-04-04
Choices. - 2023-01-07