Where Do I Begin?

Some of Us.

Sometimes i don't know if i should take the rest of the year off, since this is where stuff is at and i think i'd like to spend Christmas off.
I guess that's why some people think you should never plan so far ahead, just in case. I am pretty sure i before all of this, i was happy that some important Chistmas-y days in December would fall into the weekend and i'd be set. I am laughing at that now, you just can't hear it.
I am conflicted because maybe in society, you're always pegged as lazy or odd if you're not doing anything with your free time, but i've always been that type of person that not doing anything particularly 'meaningful' IS meaningful to me.
I enjoy the essence of being and existing and being okay with myself. Deep down, i've never had a problem with liking the things i like and i've never been sorry for it.
Right now In my head, i like the idea of just taking a little more time for myself even if it means i might worry in between the time i am enjoying myself. Maybe that's part of figuring shit out but who knows? I haven't decided if these thoughts are permanent of if i will change my mind.
There's days where i think i should just get back to work.
Other days where i just think more time off will be good for me.
There's days where i think owning a Tiny House is a good idea.
There's thoughts about leaving the country, start over and just elope to anywhere.

Some people would say it's good to have options, doubts, fears...
because that means that you must care about where you're headed and you're just trying to figure it all out but then...
what if you're making it harder instead and you know even less where you want to be?
Not everyone figures life out. Like, ever. We're taught to think that by a certain age, we should know who we are, who our friends are going to be, what we are supposed to want to do but just based on endless experiences and life in general, not all of us have a clear map on where to go still. Some of us are still trying to find our passion at 40, 50 or 60 years old. Some of us lose friends, spouses. Some of us are never stable but it doesn't mean we are not sane. Some of us never stay put and some never move but we don't have to decide which one those is the good choice and which one is the bad out of the two.

The unfortunate thing about life is that you need money to live it.
You have to commit your time to something to gain the means.
You have to spend time doing a lot of things you don't like and you compromise even though you don't want to, just to have the access.

I am changing my mind a lot these days but i am hoping to have the courage to act on the things i have a lasting conviction on.
To make things happen for the cause i am most passionate about even if it means my plan is not fool proof- like in the way someone that's decided to jump out of a plane and the only way down is to jump and once mid-air there is no way to change your mind so you might as well fall and open the parachute.

Not knowing is part of all this. At least that is what i tell myself. You just don't know when the 'tomorrow' you are desperately looking forward to will finally surprise you and show up.

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posted on 2021-10-14 @ 9:35 p.m.