Fast forward to August of 2016 and i find myself at a job that pays me more, is full time and has pretty great bonuses. I love it. Problem? i have to earn my vacation time. I wish that was the worst of it but it's not.

There's the whole... 'my parents don't support my relationship and told me i needed to end it because my boyfriend wasn't a spiritual guy' thing and he wasn't welcome to come visit for my birthday even though he was set to buy his plane ticket that same day. I cried and sobbed and cried and sobbed which didn't change their thoughts. My boyfriend told me that it was up to me then to go visit him and i agreed. i didn't tell my folks my plans. Months went by and they just went on as if my boyfriend didn't exist, didn't mention him or us. I kept my relationship to myself, shared only with a few close friends or family who did support us.
I did not end the relationship, we are still dating but our relationship has been strained during the last year. It's been 2 years since i last saw him, we struggle but we remain faithful to one another.

I told myself that if i was stubborn enough to tell them i'd continue my relationship no matter what, that i'd have to communicate my decision to travel to South America. For some reason (maybe out of fear or just being dead ass tired of conflict from all of this) i haven't mentioned wanting to take this trip but i'm sure they would be smart enough to realize that if i want to continue my relationship, seeing each other more than once is a must while we eventually get to our end game: marriage.
And if they didn't want him here, then what is a gal supposed to do?
I am sure they knew that a time would come where eventually they couldn't control me by simply saying NO and assuming i'd just cave in because of my personality just because they didn't agree and that beccause i make my own money and i am grown, they have no right to tell me how i can spend it or spend MY vacation time.
It's conflicting because i respect my folks but now that i am older and i am seeking to build my own life, become a mother and get married... things have changed. I am not 17 anymore and i am not willing to give up my happiness just because they do not want me to date my boyfriend. You can't use God as a crutch anymore to justify YOU not liking someone.

So last night when my mother told me about Italy, i was excited, yes.I want to go to Italy AND South America. I can afford both but i simply do not have the vacation time for both. I told my mother simply this: "I have the money to go, i have savings but it's a quick decision to just say YES to right now and i don't know what's going to happen with Fabian, but i was saving my money to go see him"

She said "Yeah" very normally, as if she understood but i did not say yes at all. I felt a little bad after i hung up because i can tell she was excited about a possible trip to Italy me and her with other members of my family but then i thought about something else: I have always been swept up by everyone else's wave, carried off without ever really wanting to because i felt that if i said NO, i'd be the bad guy and that is exactly the problem. I never had a chance to do my own thing because it wasn't a good idea or an approved idea by someone as if my thing, what i WANTED was getting in the way of someone else's idea and i just had to come along. I also thought: What about March 11th of last year? Did my mother feel bad when she said he wasn't welcome here or when she told me to end the relationship? Did she feel bad when he was supposed to be here for my birthday and was all set to buy his ticket here? Did she feel bad that i cried myself to sleep for days? Maybe as a mother, she felt bad to see me in tears but apparently she nor dad felt BAD ENOUGH to change their minds because a whole year has now passed since that whole incident and nothing has really changed.
My pain: Does that even count?
My plans, hopes. What i want to do... is that valid?

I've built up my saving account up to this point with sacrifice and hard work and to buy a ticket to Italy for me and my mom is an insult to me, my boyfriend. I promised him i'd be there and if i intend to keep my relationship afloat in spite of the protest of my parents, i need to take a stand and know that it's okay to say NO, THANKS. That i think that my cousins would understand that i haven't seen my boyfriend in 2 years, that i miss him like crazy, that i've had such a hard 12 months and i deserve it. That even though those cousins don't know all the events that led it all up to this point (and my mom would never tell them why i haven't seen him in two years because she knows she'd get criticized) if they did know, i think they'd understand... and even my mother with her denial and refusal to accept my choice... i'd think that by this point i HOPE something would have softened in her. That she understands as a WOMAN that i am not aging in reverse, that i want my own family and at this point after being in this relationship for almost 4 years, that i am NOT going to change my mind of break things off. At this point, it would be much easier to support me and have some faith in this even if she doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand because i am happy and i am in love. That it doesn't matter that her and dad's beloved church mentors do not approve. Is it more important to look good in front of them at my expense? Would you both rather see me suffering just to please them?
I am your daughter.
Let me be happy.
Let me try.
Let me Go.

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