Mooch and Earl Sunflower Style

you should of bought me flowers.

i wish i would have held you tighter, taken more pictures or looked at you longer and memorized every inch of your face and body. I should of sneaked in more kisses and let you buy me the flowers we saw at the store. They didn't have Tulips, but you still wanted to buy me something. I told you i had never received any and you wanted to get me some but i complained they were too expensive and i didn't want you to spend it all. You should have bought be flowers.
If i had had just a glance from God about how it would be the way i know it is now, i would have gotten on that plane with you and never looked back.
Knowing it would cause so many arguments and misunderstandings and almost a break-up, oh, jesus how i would have done something.
I can't believe its been 2 years since ive last held you and kissed you.
Like a grown ass Romeo and Juliet being kept apart by people who don't understand i expect never will i am watching my chance at motherhood and marriage slip slowly but surely away from me and everyone perfectly content watching it happen.
I can't understand it but i think i no longer need or even want their seal of approval i am not going to get it soon, maybe not ever and i know that things do not always go according to plan, they way we dream it will all go, perfect and predictable. No, its nothing like that... not for me anyway. im the secret that doesn't come out into the light. no one mentions him and i or speaks it out loud in public. Shameful to you all, oh yes. Why? because he doesn't fit into your perfect little mold?
i'm sure God himself would be angry at you for turning away a soul like his... lost, confused and strayed maybe i will admit... but a soul nonetheless that we should have patience on. A soul that deserves just as much as you once did when you were lost. His mom thinks he deserves the best too just like you think about me. Did you stop to think that maybe he is MY best? Or that there is this crazy theory out there that, you know... people change, they don't generally stay the same. Most of them evolve and their minds follow too.
But okay, keep your notions of what you think is right while the world keeps turning away farther from the light and into fog. Keep giving others a reason to hate us.
Regardless of what you or your beloved mentors think, it won't change what we feel. I will keep trying and guiding the heart and soul of the one i love, we will make it along as best we can, have issues to deal with like any other marriage and live happily with or without your favored opinion.
I'm just sorry i didn't know or recognize that behind your smiles when he was here, you never meant to welcome him permanently into our lives. You only did it the first time to not feel guilt over not giving it one shot. That one shot though, wasn't even a real one. you didn't want him to be my boyfriend or husband but you had no choice because your kid is a grown-up- A pretty stubborn one when she wants something.
Sorry you felt like my relationship disappointed you so much but im not sorry for having it, defending it even against you, the people that i love most.

At the end of the day, if i fail, i won't blame it on you. I will blame it on myself for not having the courage to go all the way for fear of disappointing you even further. You are the stone in my path but i am the chisel whose job it was to break you up and clear you out of my way.

its up to me. Yes, i will go against you but it is my life on the line, my choice. Think of it all you wish. Think of me a terrible person if you want but i know the truth.

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posted on 2017-03-14 @ 10:52 a.m.