Also, i haven't made it out of nesting yet. I'm thinking about it way too much only because I'm worried. if i don't make it out, I'm out of a job. i don't want to think that all of my efforts were for nothing. i don't want to think that my stability could end.
I mean, if i get let go, i get let go and there's nothing i can do about it. The only reason this would hurt so much is because I've gone in everyday doing my very best with optimism in spite of my worries and because i made it through the first two phases, it would suck so much to know that i made it so far only to crash land into job-less land. Maybe i am overreacting and frankly, i prefer to have worried for nothing than to find out my worries were completely justified.
You can ask for your scores but i think i am too scared to find out.
Besides that, no one has even come to me to tell me whether i am doing good, so-so, or horribly so i am oblivious as to how I'm doing.
If i was doing excellent, I'd be out of nesting by now. Some girl who started one week after i did made it out of nesting in 2 days. that got me thinking but i know i also shouldn't compare myself to others.
It hurts when you pour your heart into something only to have it slip from you.
Like i said, i might be thinking too much but i won't feel better until they tell me I've made it into production.

Tomorrow is my birthday and even though i won't have the love of my life with me tomorrow, i at least want to go home tomorrow knowing that i made it out of this unnecessary phase.
pardon me, but I'm not a fan of teeter totering to keep my job. i do the best that i can. that should count for something but unfortunately, being a good, dependable person is not what it's about- it's about numbers. am i good enough for this? i thought i was at the beginning of all of this... or i think i still am.
At times i have this spur of confidence but at the end of my day when no team lead has come to me (for good or bad) or to tell me i made it to production, i start to doubt myself.
I know i am perfectly capable but that still doesn't stop me from worrying about it.
I guess that means i care. when you are afraid of losing something, you hate the possibility of losing it.
I guess we will see if this was meant to be after all. i will continue to give my best and i guess you will have to stay tuned to see if i survive.

I hope to come back to good news. i could use some right about now.

29 never felt more predictable.

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