Mooch and Earl Sunflower Style

When love is a "crime"

Some days I'm positive and some days I'm just not. i put on my bravest face for everyone and at times even for myself like I'm trying to convince myself that it will all be okay. i do believe that on occasion but not without imagining going through a lot more pain before it can get that way.
Isn't it sad? How when you are going through something so rough that it feels like everyone else around you is free and do what makes them happy? I feel like i don't have that option and sometimes i question whether i am a coward because i don't want to be in a situation where this whole thing with my boyfriend will put me under more distress.
My boyfriend told me when we skyped last night that i was the type of person who would comply with people to avoid conflict. I think in a way he's completely right. I am the type of person who is always open to helping, saying yes to things IF and only i feel like i can do those things with no trouble because it really does no bother me to do stuff or lend a hand.
When he was here in the states last year, there was one day where we planned to eat out together just the two of us and do a little shopping and when i told my mother about our plans, her expression didn't seem to conceal the fact that she was a little iffy about the idea. Up until that day, we had done nothing but stay at home or hang around my entire family so they could get to know him. we really didn't have any quality alone time together.
The only times we were free to make out or show affection freely was when we'd go out for walks around my neighborhood. We would walk as far away as possible from my house and would always find a spot to sit on that felt secluded enough. he'd kiss me so, so good and we would stay there for a couple of hours taking pictures, talking, laughing but mostly taking advantage of being alone and kissing non stop. we never felt like we could do that in front of my parents... or really, anyone. My dad would always have this look of discontent if I'd so much as lean on my boyfriend's shoulder or held his hand. he wouldn't say anything right then but I'd hear about it later in private. it wasn't that my dad was a prude but i think it bothered him that i was too affectionate and giving my heart out to my boyfriend TOO much when according to him, we didn't know what would happen in the future. i felt like i was being watched the whole time and that i couldn't show my love for him because they'd always have something to criticize.

So that day when i told her of our plans, she didn't hesitate to tell me in front of him that i needed to help her clean the house before i left. Cleaning is something we've done as far back as i can remember. she was always a neat freak. The thing was, it was late into the morning, i was still in my pajamas, my hair was up in a messy bun and i hadn't showered. it was shocking to me that she couldn't let go of her stupid routine of cleaning especially when my long distance boyfriend was in town. I didn't fight her at all, i complied so our plans had to be stopped for the time being. My head was down... i was so embarrassed because my boyfriend was standing right there. not too long after, she changed her mind and told me to shower and get ready so my boyfriend and i could spend our time together.
I didn't know where her reasoning was at when she told me I'd have to clean first... i felt stupid and once my boyfriend and i were out the door and in my car, i started to cry. He didn't understand either and till this day when we both look back on that moment, he makes it a point to tell me how odd that encounter was.

Yesterday in church as my dad was preaching on, i stood parallel to him with my own mic as i am a translator of Spanish to English for the few people who don't speak spanish. i have to translate everything he says... and he mentioned that he had received an e-mail from the spiritual authorities our church is under an e-mail (it was also sent to a bunch more other churches they are mentoring over) explaining that a wife and husband pastor team they were also mentoring was no longer going to be under them because their son was in a relationship with a girl who wasn't Christian and he decided to marry her. Now, i don't know the details or if these Authorities told the parents the son shouldn't marry her but my dad said that they -the parents- decided to cut ties so that the son could marry the girl.
Notice i said COULD.
That disturbed me.
It almost makes you believe that the guy wasn't allowed to marry the girl or something.

It hurt my heart to have to translate that because my situation is a bit similar. my dad referred to their actions for leaving as wrong and implied that the guy was wrong for marrying the girl even though my dad knows nothing of them and how in love they are or what the circumstances are.
For people to think it's okay to even have a say in whom an individual chooses to marry is mind boggling. To tell you who you can and can't be with without even caring that that guy and girl are in love. Who's to say this young lady doesn't turn around her life to Christ? She might just do that.
And that's when i began to feel true fear. i felt like my parents could potentially be told the same thing and that it would cause our family to tear in half because my parents could choose to listen to those people and strain our relationship as a family just because I'm in love with my boyfriend who's only "crime" is not having a true defining relationship with God which by the way, could happen at any point in time.
I'm not going to deny that these spiritual authorities are wise and true when it comes to the Bible and in their general teachings but when it comes to MY LIFE, they have no business sticking their nose into who I'm with or want to marry.

I foresee harder times ahead, and i feel like there was no need for things to become this difficult. i have so much strain in my heart that sometimes i cannot take it. I feel like God is the only one who can see me through. I just hope he gives my parents a revelation in which they just allow me to be happy with the man i love. That is all i want...to be happy with the peson who makes me happy and yet i feel like even this one thing is out of my reach.

prev / next

posted on 2016-04-25 @ 2:35 p.m.