| My moment. |
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I don't know, sometimes i think there's perfect timing for a lot of things. As i stood there watching Les get married at only 23, My cousin get married to a nice guy, Taty get engaged at 18 and Andrea get married as soon as she was 18, it felt unfair to me that i everything had to be so hard when it came to me and my own happiness. The concerns, the questions... Feeling like I'm constantly caught in between two sides both which have valid points and unfair ones. One person can't handle it all without at some point cracking when it all becomes too much. Lately i had been feeling that way but then decided to let go of the anxiety because at the end of a long day, some things were simply not under my control. Yes, it's okay to just let the chips fall where they may but the fear i was having of not knowing where those chips would land and what the repercussions might be was keeping me worried. I thought: if at the end of the day it is my choice on what to do, why do i feel like I'm disappointing someone? Truth is, when all is said and done, someone won't be 100% happy but you know....that doesn't mean it'll be the end of the world. Ultimately, it is what i feel in my heart that will make me happy that will be the best decision and i know that now. I know it's not a competition of who gets married when and who's got the best spouse but when you think of a person like me who has always tried to do things the right way like not get pregnant at 16 or use drugs, casual sex or end up in an abusive situation, you'd think that in some ways, people that strive to be good get the results to match but i know that's not always the case now. I don't believe it's luck either... maybe it's mercy. who knows. I just didn't think it would be this difficult to get the two most important people in my life to accept the person I've chosen to spend my life with. i wish i had more support and trust me, some days...my father lays it on so thick and when he peels back the negative layers, my heart stops, my thoat hurts and i can't help but want to cry out of pure 'i don't know what else to do or say' frustration. But then there i am yet again in another wedding and in a way reluctant to line up with the other girls behind the bride for a chance to dream at the cute superstitious ritual of catching the bouquet. I didn't lock my legs in place or push out my elbows to thrust anyone out of my way. i am standing directly behind Les and when she motions to throw, i simply put my arms up and the bouquet lands beautifully in my hands. no one tries to yank it away from me like I've seen at other weddings. it's simply meant to be for me and i knew that when it landed into my hands. Leslie's wedding day was a year to the day that the love of my life was boarding the plane to come see me. i don't find that to be a funny coincidence but maybe God telling me that things were going to end up okay. After i came back to my seat, my dad had a smile and told me to show off a picture of my boyfriend to Elva and Ray who were sharing a table with us. it's one of those rare moments where i think even my dad saw me married and took me catching those flowers as a sign. As much as he gives me such a hard time when it comes to my complicated relationship, i hope he knows somewhere inside of him that our love will make it. I know my moment will come soon... maybe sooner than i even think. |
| posted on 2016-01-19 @ 9:30 p.m. |
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