i decided to dial back my emotions ever since i had that huge cry fest on monday. even though my mother told me i should never stop sharing my dream scenarios with her, it's kind of hard to even want to keep them going...even though i want to. One someone ruins something for me, you can expect me to just stop it all together. Marriage IS important to me and even if i stop spewing out what i wish, hope, want... i will never stop doing so in the solitude of my mind.

I didn't tell fabián about what happened that day- he's got enough on his plate with work, school, his mom and step dad to just have more flung at him.
He was right after all.
Most people DO doubt us and if i could go back and dissect how it all happened, i think mother wanted an excuse to tell me how she really felt about my hints about marriage and the life i want to build with fabián. i could tell it concerned her that i was diving in head first and that i saw him as the ONE i wanted to marry and even though she's perfectly okay with the idea of me not hopping from relationship to relationship, she does see me getting hurt because of the enormous distance between us.

That is something i knew from the get-go so i was already prepared mentally for the exhausting time it was going to take from relationship to engagement, to marriage, to life together.

Although my dreams and hopes are still the same, i have adjusted a few things in my head.

1. i will hold my tongue when it comes to voicing outloud any ideas about what i would like for my own wedding, kids, and any other form of talk regarding my life as a wife, mother in the near future.

2. I may or may NOT be engaged/married as soon as i hoped to be.

3. I might have to deal with the fact that i will only see my boyfriend once a year for at least 2 or 3 more years (before) my family approves of him fully.

4. They might not approve at all.

5. i might have to make a decision that not everyone will like if things get too difficult.

6. i no longer wish to sacrifice my happiness because of the circumstances. life is not black or white. people fall in love. others should get over it.

7. i will still fight, no matter what.

Seeing my own cousin get married this September will certainly affect me in some way. it already is and even though i am happy for her, it's hard not to think about my situation. it was so easy to go into that bridal boutique and have those sparkles in my eyes and imagine myself in one of those gowns. it's like having this whole image in my mind about how i want things to be but zooming out just in time to know that your reality is completely different.

On the outside, it appears as if nothing has changed even though after Monday, everything i had planned and hoped in my heart would come along is further away than i had wanted.
I will most likely not be engaged next year and you have no idea how much it breaks me to know that even though inside i will be falling apart, that i have to pretend to be okay with it on the outside.

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