I still believe that in life and love there is more than one person that is a good fit for us. I knew for a while that Daniel was my fit but i always stood alone in that conviction. Most of our rollercoaster ride was based on his availability to accommodate me in his life. i knew when he was lonely, single, sad... because that's when he'd text me, flirt, or call.
I knew when he was seeing someone because that's when I'd stop hearing from him.
Sometimes he sort of loved me and sometimes he'd be so cold, i wondered if there was anything beating inside of his chest.

This went on for eight years until he finally broke my spirit. I no longer cared.
I still remember that final time. when he sent me a flirty text message, that was the last time my heart jumped with love over him.
He stopped texting me out of the blue as was his usual way and i went on about my life but in the coming days and weeks, i knew something had changed and something in me had shifted. I felt a weird strain in my chest and i just knew it was over.

My inkling was right. He had met someone else again but it no longer hurt me anymore. it almost felt like i was freeing myself from a burden that had gotten too heavy to carry. I wasn't going to compete with a girl i didn't know. He decided to pursue her. He chose her. That meant that whoever she was, she was better for him than me, prettier and could offer him something that i wasn't ever going to and maybe the fact that i knew him longer than any of those other girls didn't mean i was special to him because i had found myself back to the end of a tiresome line. i wasn't mad either, because i was ready to give up and let him go. My desire for him to be happy meant more to me than holding on. He never promised me anything verbally but sometimes i think, on his good days he'd subtly give me pieces of his heart and i loved him for it. Those glimpses of the guy he used to be.

Those girls he dated throughout the 8 years of trying? they never knew me or how much i fought to win his respect and love. that somewhere out there someone wanted a chance to be his. I was a great secret.

it's been ten years exactly since it all started and it took an entire decade to realize i could of been that puzzle piece. if i had waited just a little more, maybe, just maybe we'd be together.

...but life doesn't work that way unfortunately. Life doesn't always set up to our timelines. things happen and we are carried away by the tide. I knew that i couldn't keep waiting. for my own well being, i had to let him carry out his choice which was to be with someone that wasn't me. my place was to respect that and admit that i had lost and bow out. i held on as long as i could for as long as my strength could carry me and i feel good with that.

It all tells us that sometimes, you are lucky enough that someone loves you so much that they will give you eight year's worth of opportunities, just in case.

Sometimes it takes getting older to open our eyes and i think that is one reason why regret hurts,
because it reminds us of what we could of had.

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