I guess it started Thursday night. I was at an AdvoCare meeting with my brother and mother. On our way back, he decided to get a Sub so i waited in the parking lot. The phone rang.
It was dad.
His dad (my grandfather) died.
He had gotten in the shower, got dizzy, fell over and hit his head. Grandma said there was blood everywhere and that the only thing he had said was "I got dizzy".
She called the ambulance and they came to get him.
They said it was a heart attack.

I just kept saying "No...no..."
I cried like a 4 year-old. Someone who was important to me was gone. Up until then i was lucky. I still had all four of my grandparents alive and well. Healthy. Losing him was a shock to everyone...like...it shouldn't of happened to me.

MY GRANDFATHER. Rock and roll guy in the 60's. His guitar and my singing. His love of books and reading. His features. They were mine. I was given parts of him. To not hear his laugh carried across the room or his stories to keep me entertained for hours...
I don't have that anymore.

It's hard to know that i will never see him again. Watching him lay there was something i'll never erase from my mind. He looked like he was just sleeping there. He and dad looked so much alike.

Every time i closed my eyes, 5 or 6 tears would roll down at once. The fragrance of flowers filled the room as people would fill them in one by one sending their sympathies.

I wished so much to have someone from home or anyone else... A friend, or anyone i cared about was there to hold me. Someone who wasn't my family. Someone who could just hold me and let me cry on their shoulder. I needed it.

We buried him fast. Just like that.

I didn't eat much. When i did, i would take small bites.

Saturday night at my maternal grandmother's house there was a small cookout. I figured this was my chance to eat something. The food was good. I went to bed that night and an hour later, i felt uncomfortable. I couldn't pin point what it was but i kept getting up. I'd walk around, get water. Nothing. An hour later, i was throwing up everything. It had been so long since i had barfed that i forgot how shitty it felt. I was hardly eating anything at all and the one thing i DID eat, i was throwing back. My stomach was better so i went to bed only to wake up again a second time to repeat.

It was an awful night. I couldn't eat much of anything after that. Water and a few crackers was all i could manage to swallow.

As i thought back to the funeral and me sitting there in my black dress, i cried at the thought that Grandpa would never see me get engaged, married. He would never see his great grand children or meet the man that would give me all that joy. It's sad to know that Grandpa was never a real believer in God and i just hope that there was a real chance for him to repent and die knowing that God will have a spot for him up there somewhere.

I'm home now. Unpacked. Everything is getting back to normal now. I really don't know what to do or think. All i've got are photographs that grandma has given me to keep.

I guess the only other thing to say is that i'll miss him for the rest of my life. People will always see him in me. I've known it all my life.

And with this song, i say goodbye.

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