It won't be you.
The time is getting closer. I don't know if i can feel it but my heart wouldn't stop constricting in my chest. I felt something was coming. Something not so good. Something that would make me sad but i couldn't get it out of my mind.

'Why do i feel this way?' i'd tell myself. 'Why?'

It's getting to the point where i don't know how much more i have in me to continue. I don't know how much longer i can feel this way and still be able to tell myself that it could work.

You know what part hurt? The part where my brother said i deserved better than you. When he said that you would lead me nowhere. Part of me wanted to cry right then and there but i tried so hard to fight back tears. It's been so long since the thought of you has made me want to cry that i felt so strange right then.

It spread through my entire body. I actually thought for that moment in time that you might not be it, not because i didn't love you but because you just didn't love me in the way i always hoped you would. I imagined how i would feel knowing you wouldn't be that boyfriend i wanted, and maybe fiancee... the father of my children. I hated thinking that you wouldn't be that person for me because i want you to be. God, how i want you to be. How could you be though? Feelings between us are still unknown and as much as i want to ask you sometimes, i think you still wouldn't know what to say if i asked you if you loved me... really, really loved me.

I fell so in love with you. I don't think you understand how much. I don't know that you will until you are much older and wiser.

It's so scary to think that we might never happen even thought at this point, i've versed it over and over that you might just go away for good and i will no longer be important to you. No matter how many of those times i said to myself that you will just wander off like that free bird you are, i can't get used to the idea that you won't come back to me again like you always do. For that reason you and i both can't figure out.

I just wish this wouldn't hurt as much as i know it's going to. When you leave. When you are no longer in my life at all... even from as far as you are now.

I wanted so much to bury my face in your neck and wrap everything i had tangled up in you... in everything about you.

It's just that sometimes we want something so much that we can't fathom the amount of pain that it will bring us once it's completely gone. Something in me will die, even when i am alive. I wish you felt that way about me. I wish you were me for a day, then you'd understand how much your existence really meant to me.

Sadly, we never realize what we could of had until too much time has passed. Will you ever think that way of me? Will you even remember me when you are sitting on the porch at 75 and reminiscing?
Will you wonder whom i married? How many kids i had? If i was happy?... If i continued loving you even after you were gone?

Because you will leave. That is your way. You will find someone else because that's the way it's always been. I get older and this doesn't die. I think ahead of time wishing i could change something that hasn't happened yet and i don't know what to do, because i wish it were you forever. Always you.




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posted on 2013-03-24 @ 11:36 p.m.