It used to bug me a lot that he wouldn't add me on Facebook.
People would ask me about him and then look at me funny when they asked me why not and i'd feel embarrassed because didn't know what to tell them when i didn't really know myself.

That's a battle i think i've lost. I used to want to yell at him for it but finally came to terms with it not because he won but because there was really no point in bickering about it. It doesn't mean that it still doesn't bother me to a certain extent but i just kinda thought: 'Okay, well if it's not in his heart to want to, then that's a done deal. Everything stems from your heart. That is the root of a lot of things and if he doesn't want to, then i'm not going to force him to do anything. It would be worse if he felt forced to add me because i wouldn't shut up about it..."

I got so used to the usual hiatuses that our 'relationship' has had over the years -never by my choice- that now it feels like routine. It's almost like when he's 'gone' we are like two strangers existing on opposite ends of the map. We don't talk for a bit here and there and i'm not crying, thinking or worrying about it anymore. I think That's been the biggest change in me. I have no tears left. I just know that no matter what i say or how many sappy letters i write... or regardless of how big my feelings for him are, he will always do what he wants, say what he wants, act like he wants. If he wanted to, tomorrow he could have sex with someone and i couldn't stop it. The love i feel and have felt for him has never stopped him from doing things.

I know that i could lose him at any moment. I wake up every day never knowing if it'll be the last day i ever speak to him. I never know if tomorrow he will get tired of me and forget i ever existed. It's like sitting there closing your eyes then opening them again only to realize they are gone, just like that.

He's like this dream that isn't even supposed to belong to you but you want it more than anything because at the end is something wonderful. He's always seemed unreachable to me, like i can never catch him and make him stay long enough to enjoy the lovely person he can be. It doesn't last long enough to savor and i have to go back to my life as if i had dreamed everything, like he's not real then just wait for him to maybe like me enough to come back to me.

I never wanted to get 'used to it' the way i have. I never wanted to become stoic about it but i have. It doesn't mean i don't care. I care a lot.

A huge part of me still roots for this because i'm invested but i don't know how much he is anymore. I wouldn't blame him for walking away, but i would blame him for all those times he could of just told me he loved me if and when he actually meant it... because those words alone would of made more of a difference than he could possibly ever know.

I'd hate to go on for the rest of my life always wondering if he ever even loved me at all... even if it was just a little bit.

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