I should of guessed that things would fester and there was no salvaging it. It was my mistake because i thought he'd know better. I trusted that things would settle down eventually and that he'd want to keep me as a part of his circle but i have a lot of things to learn about people i consider friends.

No one is really exempt from letting you down, i know that. Most of all someone you thought you could always count on, but oh well. I couldn't get him off my mind for months but then i couldn't help but thinking that he was not really that person i thought he was. If anything, she's only made him fatter and co-dependent.

He's gained so much weight. I hardly recognize him anymore. She's mostly sedentary and also heavy. He's already prone to weight gain so get yourself an equally lazy girl and there is no dragging her the opposite way. It's just easier to sit still. He's no longer in any of his bands, has stopped writing his novel and doesn't have the same amount of friends he once did.

It's sad to see the sparkle i once saw no longer there. I wasn't always a ray of sunshine, but i think he wanted to try to be happier with me. He felt like he wanted to be good for me, the best friend i could ever had. He was good at that. I wanted to give him time to change his mind, only the influence of her wouldn't let him think for himself.

I keep hoping that there is enough left in him that he will come out of the hole. He might seem better but ever since she came into his life, his judgement is impaired and screwed up. I don't think i want that in a friend. We'd never be able to talk the same way again. There would be a cloud over us all the time and i'd be scared that he'd want to let go again at her influence.

I don't want to suffer over losing him anymore. It's just better that i let it go and go on as if i never knew the guy. There's only a small group of people that you feel like you could really truly connect with on a high level and he was one of those people to me. That's why it hurts so badly to leave him behind. Knowing i will never get him back tears something in me.

I could cry it out, but it wouldn't be worth the leakage. Crying doesn't bring people back. It's only a messy reminder that you're hurting inside and there's nothing you can do about it. It's nothing but an embarrassing manifestation that you've lost something important. Those people don't care about your pain and are probably not worth fussing over. After lots of whining from my part, i've realized that if he can't fight for me as a friend, then i don't need to go through all the trouble of mourning him.

If he couldn't find me worth protecting, why should i even give him the courtesy of crying over it? Isn't that how shit goes anyway? We always fuss over the people that take us for granted. If friends and loved ones did the deeds that come with the territory of being a wonderful friend, we wouldn't be sad in the first place. I'm not saying friendships are perfect but at least you can tell when hurdles will be jumped. There's still a whole mess of uncertainty that surrounds this. I don't know the final outcome but i also can't keep waiting when i don't really know how this will go. For all know, this is the end and i'm still hurting.

That's the thing: i don't want to hurt.
I should put myself out of my misery and just let it all go. I used to say that it's someone's choice to either be happy or miserable and i don't want to choose misery. Just like it was his choice to sacrifice a friendship that could of lasted decades and now he'll never know.

That's the thing about choices. You make one, but if you have to question how the other might have turned out, well maybe you made the wrong one... but the thing is, once you've picked, you don't always have the option of going back. That's why you have to be careful what you do, what you say... because what you want now might not be be what you want later on. You have to grow up. When making an important choice, you have to think farther into your future, what will be good for you further down the road. Don't be swept away by your passions and selfishness in the now.

The saddest realization you can come to is knowing further into your life that things could of been much different if only you had just used better judgement. I guess some people really are seasonal but somehow live on in you in certain ways.
I guess that's life.

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