Naturally, my mother was upset and did her fair of yelling in the car while my young sibling and i feared for our lives in the back seat. I don't remember exactly what she said but she got him so upset that he began to beat her with his closed fist in the back of the head all the while she screamed. Needless to say, i will never get that memory (or any of the others of him abusing her) out of my mind. That was the last time he hit her but it wasn't just the physical abuse. He was verbally abusive as well and i witnessed all those times. I think that's part of why i resent him still and even dislike him as a person.

Even though he's since then found Jesus and is now changed tremendously, there are times where i can still see and witness his explosive behavior. He blocks out all rational thought when he is upset and aims to hurt. The physical abuse might be gone, but in there somewhere is the monster of the verbal aspect that kicks in and is just as hurtful as if he were hitting her.

I heard her cry not even 20 minutes ago. I was reading a book quietly in my own bedroom when i heard her sobs coming from the kitchen. I could hear the way he was coldly talking to her thinking he was in the right while she cried and tried to tell him that he was wrong for insulting her. He didn't attack her persona, but when it comes to "his things", he holds no mercy. The argument was simply about the Black 2009 Honda Accord with Leather Interior he loves so much. The one my mother has to drive because dad sold the Dodge Durango due to gas spent.

Dad used to be a complete psycho when it came to his cars. When we were kids, we couldn't eat anything inside, and we were scared to even move funny or too much because he would bitch about it. We got used to it over the years even though we hated it. When God came into his life, he did change. I will give him credit for that. We had this new parent. Mom loved to rave about him and everyone who knew him in his 20's and how he used to be, was always pleasantly surprised at the new man he'd become.

Now, he was bitching about the Honda being dirty and basically told my mom she had to wash HIS car. Humiliating to say the least. And it's not even what he says... it's HOW he says it. Cold. Angry. Heartless.

I've said this to her many, many times. "You deserve better"
I'm not sorry for saying that. I felt like my mom deserved a different life, atmosphere, treatment. She put up with my dad's shit for years and years (even while they dated) and sometimes when we're watching a movie, and a certain type of man comes on i say: "Look. He's so tall, handsome. I like him. I feel like you should of married that type of man..."
and you know why i say it? I say it because in my mind, he would treat her with love, respect. He'd treat her like the honest to goodness beautiful woman she is.

I know what you're saying... or thinking....

That without dad, i wouldn't exist. If they had never gotten together, i wouldn't be writing about this right now. I wouldn't know or have the friends i have now and the Kenet people know would be some floating spec of a possibility that never was.

I get that.

I also get that God has a purpose for my mom and dad as pastors (even though in my very private opinion) i don't think dad has the charisma or natural flow or words or engagement factor to be a preacher. I think mom does, however.

I've never been able to feel connected to my dad. I've had my moments but they only stem from one conversation then don't repeat again. I have never felt like i could talk to him. Go up to him and feel comfortable. If i don't see him for a week, i could care less. When he's not around, things are peaceful with me. The only thing he ever wants to talk about is God or what i'm not doing to get closer to him... or how i'm not enough period.

The sad part of all of this is that my mother will never know how good of a life she could of had... because my dad is all she's known since she was 14 and i doubt she'd ever want to call it quits. Ever.

I would rather not have existed in this world if it meant my mom would of met and married someone who did deserve her but unfortunately, none of us know how life is going to turn out unless we're born into it and live it out.

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