"Sometimes it's so obvious what's going to happen but we still try anyway"
The little cactus is saying: "I promise never to hurt you" and the Balloon is saying: "Okay"
It kind of spoke to me, because i'm similar in thought. I try things out even though i know what's going to happen. I think i'm still dumb enough to keep doing it. Sometimes you can't help yourself to the kind of person who remains a presence that way in your life, constantly sweeping you all over the ground then lending a hand to help you out. Everyone has a weakness, that one particular person that you can't help but always make a fool of yourself for. I know better, i just don't do anything about it. I don't walk away. I try to but the pull is too strong for me to resist. At times, when i have time to actually reflect on what has been of all this, i tell myself:
'Would i have been better off not stumbling upon that blog that day?'
I try to think of how it would of been and i don't know how to picture a scenario if i had simply just done what i was supposed to do that day instead of browsing through random blogs.
"Is everything just chance, or are some things meant to be?"
I always remember that quote because to an extent i was somewhat of a believer in fate and that [some] parts of life are not simple coincidences.
This instance, i don't know what was fate and what was carelessness from my part. I didn't think things would be this way forever or for this long. Any other normal person would of gone on but for some reason, i felt like the biggest dumb-ass for not knowing when my time was up or when i was trashable. Then i just kind of learned that i am not really 'normal' and that i was simply just letting myself be guided by my own feelings, but really who hasn't done that?
This time, i fully blame myself but i am honestly not angry or upset or depressed, sad or regretful. I knew i'd give into this again because that's just the kind of person i am. I'm a believer that people can change if they really want to. I didn't ever want to think of someone as a lost cause. If anything, at some point in time, i firmly believed that all those others were wimps for giving up so quickly but up to a certain point, i was just taking blows like a punching bag. All the waiting and hoping turned out to be no points in my favor. I wasn't going anywhere.
I am at a loss for words pondering what will become of my emotions in the future... of how things will be or if i'll finally have enough valor to say goodbye to the hope of ever having the life i always wanted with him.
The scariest part for me isn't letting go. The part that fills me with fear is the closure i'm not sure i'll ever get to have. The closure that involves having him face to face. I don't know how brave i'd be or if i'd cry. I don't know if all of these trapped emotions would burst out of me or if i'd just look down at my feet in shame for not being able to make things turn out a different way... the way i WANTED them to be. All those fantasies i built up, all the scenarios i played in my head about how it would be, of the things we'd do and say to each other... Those things i'll never get to say... Those things that will probably never happen or the hope in me that i will turn around and see him standing there one day.
I wanted this.
More than anything else in life, i wanted it, but wanting something that doesn't want you doesn't work. So i guess i have to go on, keep walking... maybe even turn my head occasionally... just in case he's there even though he won't be.