I'm alright, but that's because i didn't allow myself to fully destroy the wall i had built to protect myself. I always knew there was a chance that he might retrieve again. In fact, i even said it.

As much as he matters to me, i'm not oblivious to these faults. When a decision is made, he sticks with it 100% and the effort is there and when it drifts away, there's nothing. That's one of the things i wish he'd work on. He gives me attention when he wants it but when he doesn't, the change is noticeable. Needless to say, i've noticed it for the last two weeks. I kept it quiet, maybe even dismissed it but i am not going to overreact on it anymore like i would have in the past. It is what it is.

I knew this was a possibility and i went with it. That's what happens when you care about someone way beyond the romantic point. You are always willing to risk getting hurt for them because they matter that much.

I sat there but i did not cry. I can't really remember the last time i did so. I took it with resignation, as if i expected it but the part of me that was naive enough to start chipping away at the wall felt the sting.

As i have said, i can't control what people do, the only thing i can control is how i react to the situation and how it affects me on a personal level. I don't really know how possible it is to have a strict 'just friends' arrangement. That never seems to last. Even though i am milestones ahead of what i was, i think it will always tug a heart string every time he goes in pursuit of other people, regardless of how insignificant that pursuit is.

It's still not a pursuit of me, which i had always longed would happen. Maybe i just need to wake up and accept that he doesn't love me enough. Perhaps i'm still just a woman who in spite of that wall still gets her hopes up for no reason.

You refuse to give up, even if you watch him go off and make more mistakes. It's sad that you give your heart out risking breakage and in the end, it doesn't mean a thing because nothing in them really changes. I think if something in him really had changed, it would of shown... In his Consistency. He's still got roads to walk before some real changes begin to occur but that's up to him, not me. I do too, but i at least did change in something. I did learn how to not be emotionally dependent on the person i choose to love and because of that progress, i can get up and dust myself off and keep moving. Sure, it gets at me because i do love him but overall, i'm really okay. As long as he's happy, i'm okay. Things will keep moving in their usual alignment and all i can do is hope for the best. After all, he is my friend and i'd still give my left arm for him even if he wouldn't give his right one for me.

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