I don't like you.
Sitting on the opposite end of the couch from him, not saying a word i kinda realized: I really don't like my dad as a person.

If i was a stranger and i had the chance to meet him, spend a little time getting to know him, his personality... he's not someone i'd like to be friends with or even be an acquaintance with.

Dad doesn't have friends. There is no 'I think i'll hang out with Bob today and have a nice conversation over a beer' type thing. Well, he wouldn't have a friend named Bob anyway and it just now hit me why.

The only reason i tolerate him is because plain and simple, he's my dad and he's half the reason i am alive. It was his dumb ass pressure on my 16 year-old mother to have sex with him to 'prove her love' that prompted my birth. So, i have to give him credit for at least giving me a chance to live so i could one day rant about how awful he is.

It doesn't matter that when they were young and dating in the beginning that there was a napkin with my name written all over it. They had planned for me in a very distant future, just not in 1987. Maybe they wished for a Kenet but never this way, this soon. I was some star in some sky maybe never meant to happen.

I had a weak mother and an abusive father. Things are supposed to be better only i feel like they are overbearingly worse in matters of the heart. Mostly mine. I find that i am still angry with him.

It's not a great feeling admitting that you do not like your dad. You might love him for the sake of DNA but there is no bond, only the understanding of what time has done and getting used to being around someone because you had no choice in the matter... that they're just there and you have to sort of deal with them.

I know, i've been ranting about him for the last few entries. I'm sure when he starts his new job on Monday that i'll have more normalcy. It used to hurt me that he was never so affectionate... or a REAL hands on dad when i was a kid or ever but now i don't give a fuck. I don't want him to be. I don't need him to be. I got nothing from him and i still think my mom deserves better.

God can go ahead and hate me for that but i still think she deserves better.

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posted on 2012-09-15 @ 2:06 a.m.