With all the testing and interviews, he's been at home. I've been working mostly but having him here most of the time is a pain. It's almost impossible to be around him because you never know when he's going to say something rude or uncalled for.

I am off this whole weekend (including today) which is something i was looking forward to since last week. I slept in wonderfully and when i got up, i made my bed, took the sheets off to wash and folded up my covers to be put away. I remained in my pajamas for a bit longer and watched a couple of shows with mom on the couch. I hadn't seen dad at all but when he comes in the door, he looks at me for a few seconds and shakes his head. "You're gonna be like that all day?" and i am sitting there in disbelief.

Not even a 'Hi, how are you hunny?' he went straight for criticism. Mom gave him an angry look.

"Really? The first thing you do is come in and start criticizing? No one likes that. You barge in and start being like this...", she said. See what i mean about her being the only one in the house i can count on?

Dad and i don't have a strong, loving or even ANY relationship. It's like if you don't talk about God or Jesus, he has nothing to say to you. I actually try to avoid talking to him as much as i can. I just never know when he's going to say something mean or harsh to me when i don't deserve that. He leaves my brother alone, he never says anything to him, but me?

What the fuck is it to you that i am in pajamas with mom in my own house on my day off? I want him to go to fucking work already and stay out of my way. but there i go helping him write e-mails for work and church related things to Daniel. There i go teaching him the proper way to do things online. There i go doing the monthly report on Excel attaching files and documents and printing them out or making copies if i need to so that he doesn't have to struggle but the things i do are never appreciated. The day my dad truly thinks i am worthy of being treated with respect is when i become a copy of what he wants me to be.

I must work through this, be strong. I've got to keep as much of my noble and caring essence as i can. I don't want to be hard and dead on the inside.

I wonder what everyone would do if i was gone. If i was dead.

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