A lot of the time i question whether he should even be doing this. While he's got the heart, i don't know if he can truly take it all the way. I know, it's mean of me. God must hate me right now for saying it but it's what i find myself thinking mostly. There are times where i wish i was someone else's daughter. Dad is weird sometimes. He'll walk right past me and not even acknowledge my presence and mom says "Aren't you going to say hello to your daughter?" then he snaps back into real life as if he were in some trance. He's not really the father i would of wanted to have... not even now that he's so Godly and spiritual. In fact, i think he demands more of me now than he ever did. At least when he was verbally and physically abusive and pain in the ass, he ignored all of us for a good while. i think mom is the only one i can truly count on in this house. If she wasn't here, i'd most likely had left a long time ago.

Maybe i'm selfish for wishing i would of had another life, another father. I would tell my mom i always thought she deserved better even though that would mean that i technically wouldn't exist if she HAD found better. I'd Especially say that when dad would be unreasonable and treat her badly. I have a brother who doesn't seem to give a shit. He also acts like i don't exist. He's the kind of person who treats me well when he wants something, needs advice, money, a favor but when none of that comes up, he doesn't talk to me. I feel like i don't deserve that kind of treatment but i learned to leave it alone. I stopped crying in front of him. I've stopped asking him why.

I don't know who i can really count on sometimes. Losing TWood when i did was like losing one of the few people i could lean on and talk to about anything when i needed it. All the times i lost D.H. for what seemed like no reason, a part of me always died. The love i could hold on to was leaving me. Having the true friends i do is what helps me pull through sometimes... to make it when my bible hugging father is making me crazy about church or any other stupid thing.

I think i am a good person. I care, i love genuinely. I try to help, i think am a great friend, sister, co-worker, god mother to Sophia, and i'd make a good girlfriend and maybe even a good wife in the distant future. I know these things, and yet there's always that hint of doubt that makes me ask...

Why do people have to be like this?

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