Well, it's non existent. Mostly by choice. I don't feel bad about my virginity either. I am not on birth control of any kind. NOT having sex IS my birth control.

However, i research about stuff like that. It's good to know for when i do get on it at some point. I don't think about sex the way a man would, but there are times when out of nowhere i think about it. I used to fear it. I was afraid it would hurt. I was afraid that i could be awkward but you know, who isn't their first time?

One thing i DO know about my sexuality is that i can get turned on very easily. by touch, spoken words, text. Eye contact. Even imagining a scenario can turn me on. I am shy, yet i know that if i were to get the right stimulation with the right person, i would most likely turn into a different person. I don't think of myself as sexy even though others might think so.
In the heat of the moment, i could probably forget about who i've been before, about what's right or wrong and just do it.

It can't be with just anyone. Real Love turns me on. I have to love him, otherwise i won't do anything no matter how attractive he might be.
Empty Sex is a waste of time. It satisfies a need, but it leaves your emotions empty (unless you're a whore or have no soul) and i think that's why i have waited so, so long. I had yet to find the person that not only attracted me physically but provoked a whirlwind full of emotions, heart pounding, chest aching, puking, breathless love. The kind of love that you would give yourself for without thinking. The kind of person that i would love selflessly and so much that i would be willing to give my life for them if it ever came down to it. The kind of person you care about even if there is no sex...

Until Him.
Until his eyes gained access to the most private parts of me. I have never in my life have given anyone this amount of love and this much of myself.
Yes, i think about it.
The sweat, the limbs, the gasps of air and i lose myself.
I lose myself in thought and not only does my mind wander off into fantasy, but i also come to the realization that if i do this, then i it's not only my mind that is involved but my heart as well.
I try to dominate it, holding back trying to protect it and myself from further hurt but it's only a matter of time before i can't shield it anymore.

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