Tell Me.
Music really does make us into sentimentalists. Me most of all. Every Boston song reminds me of him, happy or sad. I actually stood there for a couple of minutes listening to "Tell Me" and missed absolutely everything but i knew it was most likely a temporary sting of feelings that were taking me back to a time i missed and wanted back.
It was in those eternal seconds that i thought to myself: 'God, i just wish things would of worked'
...because i did. I wanted them to work so badly but the reasons they didn't work or that rather the formula didn't add up was [as i sat there half shlumped on the floor], love just wasn't a factor. I naively thought that maybe i was being loved. Even though all the negative things were happening around me, there was never a logical thought that hey! maybe he didn't love me at all. Cared about me perhaps but Love me? No. I wished he did and i think i denied myself the chance to really see that he didn't love me the way i hoped and for
that i blame myself.

And if there's one thing i want him to know now that everything is okay and i am healed and okay it's that he really was love of my life. I might not have been his, but he was mine. I wanted to marry him someday and have gorgeous children with great hair and a love of classic rock. I wanted him to know that all i ever wanted was to leap into safety and if i held back as long as i did for a visit, it's because i was afraid he would let me down. I wanted him to show me i mattered and that for once, i could be put first, not last. I wanted to know that if i couldn't go to him, that he would be willing to come to me. That's all i ever wanted. I just wanted to be that girl he would do everything for.

Then sometimes i still drive along a solitary road and sing along to something he once liked and i remember him and it brings me back to a time where i felt like i was once important. It was such a long time ago, but it mattered to me. To this day, i'm not sure if the extent of my immeasurable love for him was ever understood or maybe i didn't express it enough but i always thought: If there was ever anyone out there who cared about him this much, i always felt that was me. And i always felt like i was never given the credit i deserved. I guess it doesn't matter now but I'd get sad before when he'd mention other people's names and i wasn't one of them. It was like no matter how much love i gave, it never amounted to anything in his eyes and that's what hurt me...to know that i wasn't as important to him as he was to me. I don't blame him for closing himself off. People do that when they've been hurt but i always thought i was the exception. I never gave him any reason to be considered untrustworthy and i guess what they say IS true: We always hurt the ones that love us the most. I couldn't bear the thought of not having him in my life. It seemed unfair. Still, now i can't imagine life if he wasn't 'around'. I'd be okay knowing he was out there and okay...breathing.

So, The fact that one song (or several)have the capacity to take you to a time you once held within your grasp is amazing. It sort of lets you know that not all feeling dies, or the song in question would mean absolutely nothing to you. He'll always be attached to this band as long as keep listening to them and that's fine with me. He'll always matter to me and even when i get older, perhaps married... i'll always have it within me ans still wished things would of worked. I loved him, he just didn't love me and that's okay...but also too bad at the same time. While you can't make someone love you, it's still nice to think about how it would be if they did. Now that i am okay and have been for a good long while now, i can accept that now i can search for someone who will fall in love with me. I have so much to give, but i also want to receive.

xoxoxoxo

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posted on 2012-04-04 @ 1:21 p.m.