He's asked me out so many times that i can't count. Most of my excuses are legitimate because i am unavailable at that moment, but some days i refuse out of choice.
It doesn't feel right to me.
I would get nothing.
and i would hurt him even when i don't mean to.
I don't want that.
I'd rather walk away than hurt somebody.

If you asked me where my heart was, i wouldn't be able to tell you. I think i am okay because for the most part, i feel it. I'm great. I experience joy regularly and you most likely catch me smiling for some reason or another every day, but the side of me that involves giving my heart to the opposite gender still has some reasonable fears and doubts.

I'm still a person that is capable of trust, i am not scarred and there is no resentment about anyone in my life, so there shouldn't be a problem.

Yet, as i lay there some nights, looking up at the black empty spaces in my bedroom, i realize that out of all the people that i ever liked or had a crush on,no one never except for one "measured up" to the feeling that i was searching for. Maybe that's a lie you read somewhere. That you're supposed to feel like this or that.

I'm confused, but not to the extent where i think i'm going to end up alone. I hope that's not the case.

This is one of these cases where i wish i owned a Crystal Ball for five seconds. That reminded me of a time when i was in the 8th or 9th Grade. Ashley owned one of those creepy Ouija Boards. I never went near it nor wanted to, but i do remember asking her to "ask it" who the name of my husband was going to be. I can't remember if she told me, and my response, but now (even though i know better and i know those things are evil without a doubt) i wish i would of written it down somewhere. Perhaps this sounds stupid, and hell, it probably is but i'm sure if you asked 100 single people ages 18-25, they'd probably want to know who their mate is...even a name.

Too many games being played, too many people that lie. It would be nice to have some certainty in one area, especially one this complicated.

I'm not panicked, but it would be nice to have a solid relationship for a couple of years, preferably with someone who sees themselves with me and i with them. There's no room for wasted time.

Yup, sometimes i sit there and those random thoughts come to mind:

"Where the hell are you?"
"Why is this taking so long?"
"WHO are you?"

I'm fine at the moment, but sometimes i do wish life would hurry up. I want something amazing already, and i wouldn't mind having it right now. I'm kind of aware that sometimes things don't happen because there's still loads of other shit that has to happen first, like a sequence of events. That's the explanation that makes the most sense so we'll go with that. If i knew his name, that would certainly narrow things down, but i'm being ridiculous right now.

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