Mooch and Earl Sunflower Style

If God Were Here.

I am sitting at my desk- the desk I've had since i was ten. It's old now, worn and holds many memories of homework, letters, job applications and diary entries. I wish i could say that the only thing that's keeping me awake is this awful cold, I'm sitting back in as much of a comfortable position as this chair will allow. It's dark except for the glow of the television, this computer, and the clock's glow light on the table. I'm listening to something instrumental, slightly sad, but that's not what's triggering my tears. I'm not depressed, upset, but i am wishing now more than ever that God would beam down and talk to me, tell me what to do or say. The care i have inside is immeasurable and it's hurting me to core. I have the strongest of urges to pack a bag right now but it would be illogical to do so right now and i know it. Thinking too much has always been a downfall. I don't intend to save the world even though at some point in my life i said i would, one person at a time. I would sacrifice my own happiness for that of another person, if i cared enough for them. Seeing others smile does something to me, and when anyone i love is in pain, it's as if though it was happening to me. There's always some price to pay for paying too much attention to emotions, feelings and gestures. I'm not that great at letting go, especially if it feels wrong to. There's never a good reason to let something go if you genuinely care and even worse when it's one sided.
I wonder what God would say to me if he did beam on down into this room. I wonder if he'd be disappointed in me more than glad about some of the things i've said and done. Tonight, i'd give anything for Him to just be here in this room, letting me know that things will be okay. Sometimes you just need to audibly hear that.
Seeing these wonderful kids i teach a couple times a week react and learn and grow and listen makes me feel like i'm doing something right.
The friends i have that for some reason think the world of me....and i'll never begin to know why.
I would trade all the good things i have for one wish. But that is for me to know and to always keep guarded as long as possible.

prev / next

posted on 2011-10-06 @ 1:29 a.m.