Mooch and Earl Sunflower Style

still gone.

Not sure where he is these days. I shouldn't be asking myself these questions & they are fairly predictable coming from me, yet i still ask them as if i'm surprised, but i'm not. In more ways than none, i've asked for this and i'm so ashamed at how things have turned out.
I know what i said. I plan to travel but i have real doubts in my mind about going to see him.
He's still shown no progress whatsoever because he doesn't want to. simple. there is no equation around it and there is no second alternative to it. He's not quite ready to change and i find it hard to take a risk for any person that can let me drop from 1,000 feet any second. It has a risk of happening at any moment and it proves itself like it did on the 26th of December (or after that day at least.) Not only did he not hold up his end of our deal, but he stopped talking to me alltogether.
Besides, i can't take the Yoko situation lightly. She's around even if she might not be physically near him at the moment but she was and has been. She's not worth spending saliva over but i have to be aware of her presence at some point because as long as i'm speaking to him still, i have to bring the thought with me that she's a piece of rock in front of me. I want to make something clear though: If he wants Yoko, fine. I'm not going to hold him back from it.
That's all. I've made that clear multiple times. Sometimes i think i need to remind myself of that fact because i know i am weak at times and by stating some fact, i'll be able to land the spaceship i seem to be cruising in. It's a hard thing to admit -loving someone who constantly betrays you- and most shockingly doesn't seem to have remorse (that i know of.)
I forget that a long time ago, things were good. When i hear something musical, i get a sporadic memory of a conversation we once shared and i remember that there was once so much good in him, or at least the potential of being so. I read over something i've written about him from years back and i say to myself "Oh yeah...i remember now."
When someone grows up from being a seventeen year-old kid to someone in their early twenties, it doesn't mean that the essence dissolves. There's still always tiny fragments of that kid somewhere. The only thing that changes is the maturity level that comes with aging. The initial concept is still the same. You still grow up trying to be what your mother tells you...With the notion that you want to want to be a good person just like you were always taught to be. Somewhere between a few less than promising experinces of your own and fragments of the advice you mom gave you, you decide if you want to let those experiences scar you or scatter them to the wind leaving them behind. How is it that you wind up such a cynical asshole in the first place? Can it be possible that the bad things in your life overpower all the good things you once knew?
How can you sit there and think its okay to lie to people. It's easy to fall down the rabbit hole but digging your way out isn't as easy when you want to find your way back into the light after causing so much damage.

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posted on 2011-01-15 @ 11:42 p.m.